Post-Apocalyptic Fashion: The Shoes You Have

By | September 16, 2011

I bought a cute pair of shoes the other day. They made me sooo happy… until I wore them. Then, I wanted to bring them to life like Pinocchio just so I could beat them to death.

What if I’d had to out run something? What if my train had stopped in the middle of God-Knows-Where and I’d had to walk or hike or bushwhack? I’d have probably taken the shoes off and gone barefoot.

I felt legitimate visceral Hate1 for these shoes. So much so that I shoved them in the back of the closet as soon as I got home to prevent myself from accidentally saving them or slipping them on in a fire.

Sure, I’ve said it is important to live with small inconveniences now to help yourself in the long run. This is why I didn’t complain while they were on2. I suffered in villainous silence, plotting the ruination of those tow-abusing monstrosities.

Another thing I did? I went home and reevaluated my shoe collection and organization. If you have, as I do, a metric shit ton of shoes, you’ll want to consider keeping them in different places. Specifically, some shoes should be by your major exits. I realize to some organized people this is blasphemous. But there is good reason for this:

  • If you keep all your shoes in your shoe closet in your hall/bedroom/guestroom/place that’s not the exit itself,  you run the risk of leaving your home without them if you leave in a hurry.
  • Choice is not always what you need. Sometimes you just need to know you’re weather ready and shoed.

Not only should you consider keeping a pair of should near the exit, you should also consider what kind of shoes you put by the door. Just imagine a time you might need to run out of the house. For example:

  • You’re late for an event (wedding, party, boat, etc.)
  • You’re late for work
  • Your house is on fire
  • You need to meet someone urgently (hospital, blackmail, etc.)
  • You’re trying to out run an intruder

When you picture these things, do you see yourself wasting time tying laces? Are you mildly or moderately concerned with your appearance? Do you expect that once you complete the fast paced portion of getting to the event you’ll be lounging comfortably?

For some reason, any situation you need to run to is likely not going to be relaxed once you get there. No one wants to sit in a municipal waiting room chair with nothing to occupy their thoughts but the painful pressure on their little toe. Also, most places are not appropriate places to remove your shoes–no matter how much your feet hurt, you will be judged.

Things to consider when sorting out which shoes get to be your Run Away options.

  • Flat shoes that don’t require mental energy to wear (sure you can slip into clogs, but you can slip right back out just as easily.)
  • You can run in them if you need to (I’ve sped to the train station, parked, jumped out of my car, and Ran3 like I was in high school track again to catch a train to make a meting. Running is still a real thing that people have to do. Picture that zombie breaking out of the bathroom you locked him in, you’ll run from that. but in the wrong shoes, you might not hobble fast enough to stay human.).
  • They don’t stand out (in a “late for work” emergency you want the black ones or the brown ones, end of discussion.).
  • You have worn them before (a shoe might look comfortable but wear like a craft project made of pain, glass, and broken dreams).
  • They are weather appropriate (your loafers might be all these things and more but in 16 inches of snow4 you and the exposed tops of your feet will not be in love forever and ever).
  • You can easily put them one in less than 30 seconds (no stomping into the boot, buckling the thing, tying the laces, or finding socks. They should require no steps aside from 1. Put shoe on. 2. Put other shoe on.)
  • They can be worn without socks (Really? You’re fleeing your house and you’re going to stop and look for matching socks that don’t clash with the shoes or fall in the wrong way or are thick enough…? If so, you deserve to die/get fired. Priorities!)
Some in case of survival boot, shoe, and sneaker suggestions5 (Notice: wide openings, short boots are often best, flat but flexible souls, can survive most weather, can be dressed up, could scale a fence in most of them if need be.):

 

  1. yes, with a capital H
  2. Complainers go to the wolves
  3. Yup, also with a capital. It’s that serious.
  4. this is not a hyperbolic number it happens all the time here.
  5. All from Asos.com and zappos.com

5 thoughts on “Post-Apocalyptic Fashion: The Shoes You Have

  1. L Blankenship

    Case in point: I threw on my slippers to walk the dog came back and found the DH had locked me out when he left. I had to walk the better part of a mile in slippers.

    Slippers are not made for walking a mile. Blood blisters were a new experience for me.

    Reply
  2. arjumand

    So, you don’t know me, and I kinda followed you from Regretsy (that . . . came out wrong), but now I’m insanely curious – what do these Shoes of Satan look like? I really need to know!

    I really feel for shoe-related woes – I have a displaced bone in my foot which means I can’t wear high heels for any length of time, but even shoes which put any sort of pressure on the front of my toes make my foot go all numb. So I’m always on the lookout for pretty flats.

    As regards the apocalyptic scenario, I love those stories/books/movies TOO much. The fact that all our shoes are outside in the hall closet is just a thing we do, but the leaving spare clothes and underwear in reach where they can be grabbed in a hurry is a thing that’s all mine!

    On a more sombre note, I’ve been reading a book about surviving disasters, and one thing most survivors of the Towers mentioned was the piles of women’s high-heeled shoes left on the stairs. Whether they hurt your feet or slow you down, those things are deadly.

    Reply
  3. tavia.

    These bitches:
    worst shoes ever

    They definitely do the pressure on the toe thing. Especially because they’re curved with a hard toe. So there’s this kind of weird push back resistance… They’re from Aldo, and unsurprisingly called the TROLINGER

    Reply
    1. arjumand

      TROLINGER!! But of course! An alternate name could be ‘TOADSTOOL’, cos they’re as pretty as those mushrooms, but just as poisonous (for your feet)!

      I’ve learned to my dismay that a flat heel is no guarantee for comfort; I watched Pulp Fiction at the movies, but whenever I think of that film all I remember is my foot going numb because of the damn DM knockoffs I was wearing, with a steel toecap.

      I’ve ordered a new pair of flat ballerinas from Asos.com; am keeping my fingers crossed.

      Reply

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