Apocalyptic Travel Tips

Travel is a messy and difficult thing. Often because it involves more than just you, a point A, and a point B. There are gatekeepers who want to make sure you’re not only not a security risk but also that you’ve simply followed the rules that have been laid out. Other people will also be traveling with or along side you. If they’re children or elderly, then they’ll need to use the bathrooms and eat and just waste your time as much as they can. And, finally, there will be stuff. We’ve gone over what you can and should bring with you before the apocalypse. Now, lets look at what travel tips we should bear in mind when traveling post-apocalyptically.

1. The TSA is a little bit right. That is, You only need a little bit of random liquids when you travel.

You don’t need all the shampoo or cough syrup. For starters, it will probably leak all over all your other things and make you sad and smelly and TA DA, you’re the first one dead. Just a couple of small containers to last just a few uses. You won’t be showering regularly anyway so why pretend. Really, your main goal is to wean yourself off of things like shampoo as shit gets increasingly real.

2. Prove you are who you say you are. When you travel from Boston to Philly, someone will ask who you are. Then they might ask you to prove it…

Maybe you’ve done some horrible things, maybe you just had a bad breakup, maybe you’re paranoid, and maybe you’re nobody from nowhere and only nobodies are welcome in the new and improved America. For a little while, when you get to a checkpoint, you’ll want to be able to prove that you’re not an escaped convict or a rocket scientist. Bring your ID and keep it in your shoe or tied to your body. Because if I find it, I can’t promise I won’t sell it to a similarly-featured Canadian looking to forget about the Mass Effect Relay he helped build in an attempt to  contact distant galaxies and bring progress to our world but accidentally brought death and destruction instead.

3. You don’t need that. Also, if you do bring that, you’ll probably just lose it.

Which book(s) to bring? How maybe puzzles? Snacks? Hair elastics? Toys? Stop it. Put all that shit on the table and then pick it up. Not too heavy, but not light. Now add things like medications and sunscreen and maps, things that will help you stay alive and healthy. Still the right kind of weight you want to carry around for DAYS? Run with? Let your kids play with then pack up in thirty seconds or leave behind so you can run? Oh, they’ll be angels about that… You don’t need these things and you won’t die without them. Your children can play with sticks and flick berries at each other. You can read the back of your sunscreen or try to remember the state capitols as they’ll never be again.

America’s post-apocalyptic anthem?

Those are the travel tips I think are important to remember, can you think of any more? This will need to be taught in our nomadic version of school one day.

tavia.

My parents let me watch and read way too much science fiction and fantasy when I was a child. Now that I'm grown, I'm bored and I can't wait for SkyNet to awaken or the super-virus to cull the human population. I'll be safe because I've learned to reason with robots from Data and the Terminator franchise... and I eat gummy vitamins by the fist-full.

5 Replies to “Apocalyptic Travel Tips

  1. I’m with Ashley on this; the whole world can go to hell, I need my books 🙂

    I think if you’re traveling you need to make a core kit (water, first aid, blankets etc) and each morning run through the checklist to make sure you have everything. If not, your priority that day is to restock your kit before setting out.

    1. Maybe part of entertaining your self could be writing a book. Or as a party you write a book. Like a never-ending choose your own adventure chain letter of fictitious awesomness. And if you don’t have anything to write with/on you can do it like a game of telephone and tell it.

  2. People make fun of me for my choice of vehicle…but you have to imagine siphoning will be available for a short means of time. I chose my Kia Sportage (2000 model) it can fit in tight spots with it’s small size, is 4 wheel drive, has space for a nice bit of people (with a little squeeze) and is quite efficient on fuel as well.

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