One of the many frivolous things I wonder about when I’m wondering about post-apocalyptic life is hygiene. I’ve gone on at length about my lady parts, their mechanics, and how I plan to keep them baby free and satisfied. But recently I’ve been thinking about cleanliness.
Well, recently is a lie. I think about cleanliness daily and lady-specific cleanliness almost every time I see women surviving the end of the world alongside men. The Monthly Mess is one thing and The Daily Funk is another.
“The daily what now?” you may wonder. The running and sweating and wearing the same clothes day in and day out and not having toilet paper all add up to The Daily Funk.
Lovely Lady Parts will morph into The Odorous Underpants Area. Everyone will likely have a bit of a similar stench making it hard to really separate his from hers or corpse form crew member.
As soon as the team arrives at a gas station or a watering hole or abandoned hospital, people want to wash up. Always, in the movies, people go straight to washing their faces and the overheated backs of their necks.
Sure the Wu Tang Clan had a point when they warned listeners to “Protect Ya Neck.” Thing is, no one can smell ya neck coming from a block away. Dogs don’t bolt around a corner and bury their faces in your neck, feet or other non-crotch body part1.
Armpits have the luxury of airing out from time to time, but not genitals. Also, if you fail to wash your genitals and bumhole (this goes for males and females) you’re significantly increasing your chance of infection.
Genitals and bumholes have open spaces that lead to your insides and can catch and grow bacteria. Even if you’re lucky and don’t die of an infection of the genitals or bumhole, do you really want to suffer through surviving genital or anal infection?
Do yourself a favor and let your neck be. If you have access to clean, running water (or even some wet wipes, which might be better because they’re portable and more private) wash all those unseen, open holes and thoroughly as possible.
- Ask a woman, it seems dogs know when it’s that time of the month. It’s weird and creepy and makes you wonder if it’s just them… ↩