Yes, I DO spend all my time online, why do you ask?
Anyway, thanks to Tumblr, I discovered Lost Zombies, the social network for the zombie apocalypse. It’s basically a gigantic community for creating a massive zombocalypse documentary.
Continue reading “Join us on Lost Zombies- the social network for the zombie apocalypse.”
I’m watching Resident Evil: Retribution (That’s 5 for the uninitiated) and one of the Michelle Rodriguez characters is all sweet and innocent and doesn’t know how to hold a gun. So eventually bad ass Alice around again and teaches her to shoot a 30 second tutorial and gives her a child to protect.
HUWAT?! Do you give a shit of this child lives?
Not the point. The point is M.Rodz immediately looks around and says, “Over there looks like a good place to hide.”
Right, home girl? There are zombies on motorcycles using rocket launchers and someone it thinking straight. This blaze of glory shit is not for everyone. Sometime Plan A needs to be protect ya neck.
This is also my major issue with video games when I have a team. Sure I’m playing as Whoever TheFuck, The Unfuckwithable, but if Jill Valentine is hunting me, the last thing I’ll be doing is waiting in the street to confront the bitch. That goes for double sure if I’ve got Leon S. Kennedy, Ada Wong, or Luther West fighting “alongside me.” Ya’ll handle that, I’ll loot these crates. Let’s play to our strengths.
Sometimes when I play Halo with friends, my goal is to not have the last death. Or the most deaths. Or the lowest Kill-Death ratio (I usually fail epically at this one). Or at least not all of those things in one game. My goal is to survive pretty well. Well enough that I don’t cost us the game. I don’t call it the “crouch button,” I call it the “hide button” because that’s what I use it for.
[I’m always tempted to do the same thing when I’m with NPCs but that never works. It’s like they’re not using real bullets… Which is why I equip turrets and spam grenades.]
And in real life I’ma crouch in a corner no matter how much faith Alice has in me. Why? Because as soon as shit got rough and M. Rodz tried to use that gun she got tossed to the side to death like a chump. Lesson learned.
Zombies are boring now. They’ve been done. Old news. I am no longer afraid of a zombie apocalypse, because everyone has a plan. Not only will we survive it, we’ll crush it.
Zombies have already said everything they, as a horror monster, say about our fears and our culture – our panic about communicable infection, our overwhelming terror about the slow, creeping inevitability of death. Or have they?
Continue reading “The changing face of zombies.”
So you’re a survival camp
dictator tyrant leader. Congrats! You’ve got a bunch of people looking to you to keep them alive (no pressure or anything). Of course, now you have to lead them in a way that not only keeps them safe, but keeps them happy.
Because, you know, unhappy campers usually means a leader doesn’t last long. Especially in the post-apocalypse, where I’d imagine life could be very dog-eat-dog, and if you’re not up to par, they’ll toss you to the zombies and put someone else in the leader’s chair.
Here are 10 ways to ensure your survival camp followers toss you over the wall to be zombie food:
- Micromanage. Manage every detail. Make sure you’ve got your hand in every pie.
- Be a helicopter supervisor. In the event that you decide to delegate and assign “regional leaders” (or whatever you want to call them), be a helicopter supervisor. You’ve heard of helicopter parents, right? You know, the ones who hover and keep an eye on their kids from birth until they’re forty? Do the same, only with your subordinate leaders. Only give them the semblance of authority and independence for their region of the camp.
- Ask for suggestions and recommendations, and then tell people their ideas are stupid and you’re going to go with your idea anyway. See #1 and #2 above.
- Only implement your ideas, even if you have no idea your idea will actually work. See #3 above. And yes, only use your ideas even if you’ve never tested them out or only used them in a small part of your camp. I mean, if your new perimeter search plan works in your quadrant (say, Quadrant C), it’s definitely going to work in Quadrant B, even though the Quadrant B leader has told you that he/she knows their quadrant and your plan just will not work for that part of the camp. Maybe there’s heavier zombie activity there (or whatever). If the leader disagrees with you and tries to point out your flaws, shut them down, and they yell at them in private later. Also tell them that you “will talk to people” to get you idea/plan put in place because you don’t need that subordinate messing with your grand plans.
- Tell people their ideas are crap and that you disagree with them. All the time. Even interrupt them to say this.
- Tell your subordinate leaders that you’re “a team” and you want to “work together with them to make the camp run smoothly and even grow” but make all decisions unilaterally. Because, as #3 and #4 indicate, only your ideas are good enough to put into practice. Even if those ideas will doom your camp.
- Be offended if people give you pointers about how you could increase camp efficiency/supplies/wealth/whatever. Because you know best, you must be the best leader, so everyone else is an idiot.
- Give in to your delusions of grandeur. Your subordinates hate you, but YOU WILL BECOME THE BIGGEST AND BEST SURVIVAL CAMP EVER. Because your delusions say so.
- Tell your people they can’t loot. Instead, you will find SPONSORS. Because everyone out there will agree that your camp is the best and will grow to take over the world, they will just give you stuff. Of course, you’re not going to give them anything in return, and, in fact, you tell your subordinate leaders that they have no bartering budget. I mean, they’re going to be your sponsors.
- Insist on monthly staff meetings, where you will tell your subordinate leaders that you’ve got LOTS of great ideas and that their ideas are all stupid, but they’re doing great jobs. But, you know, you know best. So they have to follow all your ideas and plans, even if they’re unpractical. And even though you don’t actually have direct contact with the “regular people.” I mean, did Caesar deal with the common people? Of course not. He had people to deal with the peasants. So do you.
In the midst of all this, make sure you share your plans of growing and expanding the survival camp so that it stretches across the old country (whatever country that happens to be). Tell people that they have to BELIEVE IN THE MISSION. Also tell people that others will give you stuff (ie food and supplies) (for nothing in return) because THEY BELIEVE IN THE MISSION too.
There is no shambling in World War Z. There are hordes of super fast, single-minded zombies rushing anything that hasn’t yet been converted. It looks both terrifying and amazing. Also, it seems Brad Pitt is the only person in the whole world with the skills, intelligence, and dogged curiosity to solve this zombie problem—if it can be solved—before the 90-day deadline.
Check out the extended World War Z trailer:
Time to get back on my cardio grind…
Video games and the apocalypse go hand in hand. Player One is always that one guy with shit to do and an appointment on Tuesday trying to make his (or her) way through this mess and help all these people out—how’d they survive before Player One came along?
But, we keep coming back to these needy people in their dangerous world because of some romanticism that we can hack it, fix it, or beat it into submission.
Of all the video game apocalypses, which is the worst; which is the best? Is it the overwhelming zombies of Resident Evil, the galactic invasions of Mass Effect, the aggressive extermination in Halo, or some other hellish scenario?
If given the choice, I’d find this Unicorn Apocalypse from the Samsung Mobile commercials and be there. I don’t know all the details of Unicorn Apocalypse I just know those are two things I need to see in one place in order to die happy.
Some of my favorite and most feared video game apocalypses
I saw an episode of Doomsday Preppers the other day where the family didn’t believe in weapons. One of the guys says, “If bandits come I’ll invite them in and either poison them or cut their throats in their sleep.”
HUWAT!? Yes. I like you. Also, I’ve found the perfect game for you. Zombie I Scream by Thefty Jack LLC.
No, Zombie I Scream isn’t about grinding zombies up and turning them into ice cream. It’s about a non-violent solution to a violent problem.
Much like the colonists gave smallpox blankets to the Native Americans the player in Zombie I Scream will give unsuspecting zombies ice cream cones specially designed to end their lives. FUN!
It actually looks really cute and it’s rare that someone finds a new approach to a fairly straight forward genre on a limited interface.
Zombie I Scream (like many of the original colonists) is set in Boston and features many of the city’s famous locations as levels.
Continue reading “Zombie I Scream (iOS)”
I didn’t have much hope when I downloaded Zombie Dash by Italy Games. It’s hard to find a good app game that isn’t just like some other app game. There’s only so much you can do on a touch screen and with the short attention span mobile games require.
Fortunately, I was pleasantly surprised with the high-speed, side-scroller.
Continue reading “Zombie Dash (Android)”
Thanksgiving is a tradition celebrated by many cultures around the world. The third Thursday in November is the one I’m most accustomed to here in America.
We thank the pilgrims and the settlers for braving the ocean and slaughtering the Native Americans so we could eventually build the shopping malls we camp out in front of the morning after so we can get the best sale prices.
We also thank the Native Americans for being so easily to betray and murder so we could feel bad enough about it to force our children to act out plays reminding us of that time we[1. By “we” I mean white people who go back generations. My people haven’t oppressed, enslaved, or exterminated anyone.] shouldn’t have done that thing.
In the post apocalypse, I propose we hold fast to the tradition of a big, important holiday focused around being thankful for what we have.
Imagine the laundry list of things you’d be thankful for in the post apocalypse if you had the chance to stop and be thankful. Life for instance. Food to sustain that life. Shelter to protect that life. People who are also alive to share that food, shelter, and safety with.
But an annual Thanksgiving won’t cut it in the post apocalypse. An entire YEAR on the run from zombies or poachers or robots?! That’s when you’re truly thankful I’m sure. That’s when you start to think, “Shit, this is really possible!”
Personally, I think every post apocalypse party or team needs an eternal optimist. I have a set of cousins-in-law who are like this. They celebrate everything. They look forward to everything. They’re the smiley-est, most pleased, positive thinkers I’ve ever met.
I sounds insufferable to some– it sounds insufferable to me– but unless you can match their optimism in pessimism it’s infectious and before you know it you’re happy too. Unlike them, you might not know what you’re happy about but you just feel better.
This is the kind of infection you want running rampant in the apocalypse. You’ll want someone who’ll stop everyone in their tracks and say, “Hey! We just crossed a border let’s make up a border dance and thank everyone on Team Awesome for getting us here!”
Maybe weekly or on a per-milestone basis, in the post apocalypse, we need to ensure to give thanks as freely as we run for our lives.