Post-Apocalyptic People To Kill

Come the chaos of the apocalypse, people are going to die. Maybe en masse. Maybe slowly, but surely. Maybe by accidents. But definitely by murder. And that’s okay.

Every so often we’ll need to kill some fool who just refuses to act right or find their way to our good side. Congrats, Fool. You’re going to be an example; your life officially has meaning.

Examples of totally justifiable post-apocalyptic times to kill some folks:

Cheerleaders By prc1333
Photo Credit: prc1333

A.      The other day I saw school bus in the city and a squad of cheerleaders loading themselves onto it. That was weird. No sports team requiring encouragement, just a bus full of high school cheerleaders.

I, and a number of others, looked on quizzically. “hmm, that’s unusual,” we thought collectively.

But then there were a few others who were looking on not quizzically but lustfully. Grown ass men stared with their mouths agape to allow unencumbered panting as their eyes bugged, unblinking and their brows quirked expectantly.

Expectantly? What the fuck were they expecting? A strong wind? A well-timed tumble? A panty apocalypse paired with a strong wind and a well-timed tumble?

a.      In an apocalypse situation, that brightly colored band of super-coordinated bitches look like a heard of wounded baby gazelle to the men of the city playing the part of oversized, hungry Serengeti cats.

b.      In the post-apocalyptic world, from the first offence, this cheer squad will need to make an example of some fool to prevent further attempts at victimization. Continue reading “Post-Apocalyptic People To Kill”

Pumpkin Bread in a Canning Jar

This thanksgiving I tried to bring a bit of apocalyptic flair to the baking and traveling extravaganza.
As baking in jars was something I’d never done before, I used a box of pumpkin quick bread rather than try a new recipe and a new method. I did add candied ginger to the mix just because.Pumpkin Bread in Canning Jars
I used half-pint Ball jars with a quilted pattern on the outside. They have straight sides rather than tapering at the top like most jars do. This is important so that the baked good can slide right out.
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Post-Apocalyptic Personal Hygiene: Brush Your Teeth or Die.

It seems to be the common perception that in the post-apocalyptic world everyone will be happily filthy and there will be a beautiful sea of unwashed masses who eat grubs and live in abandoned basements.
This hypothesis overlooks the fact that for the last 100 years or so people have gotten used to being clean and coddled. The issue of personal hygiene is not simply about comfort, it’s about safety and survival. Do you want to be the asshole who died from an infected pimple or an abscessed tooth?
Many of the daily grooming habits we’ll have to do without are things we’ve grown so accustomed to physiologically, that once they’re removed from our daily lives there will be a noticeable and traumatic impact.

The Pros and Cons of Post-Apocalyptic Cults

I spent (and am still spending) the week at a giant national training mandated, organized, and run by my job. As I sat in theback of the auditorium and listened to people chant and cheer and say motivational things to one another and generally embrace the corporate culture, my mind began to wander.
What if motivational culture, structure, schedules, and tradition we all that some people brought with them through to the post-apocalyptic world. These things are what make many difficult situations tolerable. There is a shared language and bonding in the quirkiness and need for these tools.
However, if the situation did not call for these tools and the person on stage was not a motivational speaker but a tyrannical misanthrope, we’d have ourselves a cult [1. I have a very active imagination…].
I wondered what this would look like if that hypothetical tyrant on stage was speaking, not to employees, but to survivors. What would it look like, or even feel like if this was how every morning started before your rations were handed over. Many of your needs would be covered, from food to socialization and your survival would be based on community membership. The leader doesn’t even need to be a tyrant [2. but it’s more fun to think he is], Your leaders could simply be false prophets, motivational speakers, sales folk, a resourceful marketing team, a boy band, a cheer squad, or some other individual or small group with both charisma and a respect-demanding demeanor. Continue reading “The Pros and Cons of Post-Apocalyptic Cults”

Post-apocalyptic holidays

My apologies for getting this post up late. My husband and I decided at the last minute to go out of town for the long weekend. So we loaded up the van, packed up the kids, and took off for parts unknown (well, unknown to us, anyway).
But the trip got me thinking—what will happen to the holidays after the apocalypse? By holidays I don’t mean vacations, I mean the major holidays. Days like Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving—that sort of thing. Would the holidays still be celebrated? Would anyone remember them? Would anybody care?
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How to make friends and influence zombies

There’s no doubt that friendships and networks will be important in the post-apocalyptic world. After all, people will need to band together for protection and survival. While making friends with other survivors may not be a requirement, it’s probably a good idea. Since there’s safety in numbers, you never know when you’ll need someone to watch your back. And, you know, finding a survivor group to join will probably be easier if people in that group actually like you.
Continue reading “How to make friends and influence zombies”

Love in the time of the apocalypse

Thinking about falling in love during and after the apocalypse may seem a little trivial, silly, or just plain wrong. But think about it: during times of extreme hardship and strife, human beings will generally either band together or try to kill each other. Since I have no doubt that anyone left alive after the end of world will try to kill anyone else left alive, I’d like to think that some people will team up and cooperate with others. (By “team up” I mean “actively not trying to kill.”)
At some point in time, people will pair up, fall in love, and perhaps even have a kid or two, all in the name of the survival of the human race. (This is, of course, assuming that people still have the ability to have kids. If not, we’re all doomed anyway.)
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How nerdy pursuits could save your life.

Recently I spent a good proportion of a day in a dark, smoky room, confused by loud noise while other people snuck around and tried to shoot me. What on earth was I doing? I was playing Quasar with some friends, and it struck me that this was remarkably good practice for the end times. Hear me out. It sounds weird, but in a country where guns and assault courses are only really available for the military or over-priced stag weekends, what better? And that made me think about other nerdy or weird pursuits and how they may help with your survival choices.
Continue reading “How nerdy pursuits could save your life.”

How nerdy pursuits could save your life.

Recently I spent a good proportion of a day in a dark, smoky room, confused by loud noise while other people snuck around and tried to shoot me. What on earth was I doing? I was playing Quasar with some friends, and it struck me that this was remarkably good practice for the end times. Hear me out. It sounds weird, but in a country where guns and assault courses are only really available for the military or over-priced stag weekends, what better? And that made me think about other nerdy or weird pursuits and how they may help with your survival choices.
Continue reading “How nerdy pursuits could save your life.”

But, where will I get my hair done?

I’m kind of obsessed with my hair. And, by kind of, I mean I have to start listing it as a hobby to justify the amount of time I spend paying attention to it. It’s not even tricked out. Just hair on top of a head. an inordinate amount of hair that took years to grow and takes hours to condition and comb or style, but really, just hair.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’m going to be throughly screwed on the hair front.
Continue reading “But, where will I get my hair done?”