Post-apocalyptic babyproofing

By | June 6, 2011

The last time my toddler tried to climb the oven door to see the fun things that were happening on the stove, I had this crazy picture flash into my head. It was of my toddler climbing the ruins of a building somewhere in post-apocalyptic Earth and then falling off, only to be impaled by some random ruins below (or eaten by zombies that happened to be wandering by).

I realized a few things after this mental image popped into my head:

1. My daughter follows this climb-fall cycle far too often.
2. I have an overactive imagination.
3. What the hell are parents going to do for babyproofing post-apocalypse?

I’m going to guess that baby gates will be a little hard to find after the world ends, even though there likely won’t be a shortage of things to climb onto or fall off of. And if kids can pry outlet covers off the outlets now—you know, when there are still outlet covers—what’s going to happen when all of those fun safety things disappear? (My kid can’t be the only one who does that…right?)

Kids are naturally curious, so they tend to get into things they shouldn’t. And they usually get into them because they know they shouldn’t, which makes those fun forbidden things all the more appealing. Today, those things are electric outlets, the stove, the poisonous things cabinet, the medicine cabinet, Mommy’s perfume, sunblock, mosquito repellent, Daddy’s tools, and…well, the list goes on.

Post-apocalypse, those things could be guns and other defensive weapons, ruins of old buildings, ruins of mountains/rocks/volcanoes, half-destroyed cars, other people’s tents in the survivor camp, the nearby zombie encampment, the aliens’ ship, and…well, I’m sure there are all sorts of things I’m not thinking of.

So how will parents of the post-apocalypse keep their kids safe? Since, you know, one of the goals of parenting is to make sure your kid lives to reach adulthood.

I think one of the easiest things to do would be to put kids in an enclosed space (at least during the day). By this I mean keep all kids under the age of two (or whatever age your survivor group decides on) in one place, away from the others. That place is then kept as clear as possible of all things that could possibly kill, maim, or eat the babies and toddlers.

What other ways can parents of the future keep their kids safe?

I know kids are a lot of work (trust me, I know. I have two of them). But, you know, they’re also kind of necessary to the survival of the human race. Which makes them slightly important.

 

5 thoughts on “Post-apocalyptic babyproofing

  1. tavia.

    I love this!

    I remember in the documentary Babies, one of the ladies just leashed her baby to a bed post and went to work in a field. and the Africans just kind of left the baby with the dog and another baby. I was surprised at how much they didn’t die.

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  2. anninyn

    In the book The Passage the kids are kept in a part of the compund, not allowed to leave until they’re about 12. They’re also kept in complete innocence of the world outside, which I thought was short sighted. But yeah, kept in a protected, enclosed part of the compund, seperate from the rest, taught and surrounded by adults at all times.

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  3. Char Post author

    I think the enclosure might be the easiest thing to do. Though if that can’t be done, then the leashes might work. They work now, after all. I have those backpack harness things for my kids, which of course means that random people tell me I’m a terrible parent for putting my kids on leashes. Which I guess means that the possibility of my kids yanking their hands out of my grasp and running out into oncoming traffic before I can grab them again is so much better than making them wear harnesses and making sure they don’t get turned into hood ornaments. (No, I’m not bitter at all…)

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  4. Napoleon Trombonaparte

    When I was little, I used to pull off escapes worthy of a war movie. On one occasion, when I was 2, I ran off into the woods. It took the local adults a while to notice, so it took them 30 min, and a German shepherd to find me. I was discovered next to a raspberry bush, picking and eating berries. Surprisingly, I knew the surrounding berry bushes were poisonous, and the raspberries to be good. There isn’t space to describe some of the other ridiculous things I did over the years, especially some of the stuff after I was 4.

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