Post Apocalyptic living is going to be tough. Really, really tough.
I can hear you, over there, rolling your eyes, doing that irritating ‘blahblahblah’ thing while pretending your hand is a mouth.
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The last person who did that to me got a fork in the hand, so stop it.
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You done? Good.
I KNOW I’ve said it before. I KNOW I keep going on about how back-breakingly, bone-achingly hard post apocalyptic living is going to be, but I don’t think you get it yet.
This here is one of the hardest bits. You’re going to need to work, every day of your life. And so are your kids.
Come the chaos of the apocalypse, people are going to die. Maybe en masse. Maybe slowly, but surely. Maybe by accidents. But definitely by murder. And that’s okay.
Every so often we’ll need to kill some fool who just refuses to act right or find their way to our good side. Congrats, Fool. You’re going to be an example; your life officially has meaning.
Examples of totally justifiable post-apocalyptic times to kill some folks:
Photo Credit: prc1333
A.The other day I saw school bus in the city and a squad of cheerleaders loading themselves onto it. That was weird. No sports team requiring encouragement, just a bus full of high school cheerleaders.
I, and a number of others, looked on quizzically. “hmm, that’s unusual,” we thought collectively.
But then there were a few others who were looking on not quizzically but lustfully.
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Grown ass men stared with their mouths agape to allow unencumbered panting as their eyes bugged, unblinking and their brows quirked expectantly.
Expectantly? What the fuck were they expecting?
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A strong wind? A well-timed tumble? A panty apocalypse paired with a strong wind and a well-timed tumble?
a.In an apocalypse situation, that brightly colored band of super-coordinated bitches look like a heard of wounded baby gazelle to the men of the city playing the part of oversized, hungry Serengeti cats.
b.In the post-apocalyptic world, from the first offence, this cheer squad will need to make an example of some fool to prevent further attempts at victimization. Continue reading “Post-Apocalyptic People To Kill”
I’m not going to comment on the sanity (or lack thereof) of the Black Friday shopping madness, and I might be a relatively new resident of the U.S., but I think it’s pretty safe to say that the holiday shopping season has begun. (Typed as I sit at my computer, switching back and forth between this document and Amazon.com’s Cyber Monday Deals Week page. See? Even my Canadian self isn’t immune to the post-American Thanksgiving shopping hype.)
What does Black Friday have to do with the apocalypse? That is, aside from possibly causing the world to collapse in on itself under the weight of a million rioting shoppers, thus causing the apocalypse? Nothing really, other than the fact that it had me wondering what gift-giving will be like in the post apocalypse.
I’ve seen a few of the gift-giving guides that pop up this time of year, and I thought to myself, “Hmm…there should be one of those for the post-apocalypse survivor!” I mean, at some point in time people are going to start celebrating birthdays, apocalypse survival holidays, the rise of the dictator days, etc. etc. It’s best to be prepared with a list of gift-giving possibilities, right?
Of course, most of these items come from apocalypse survival gear lists, but seriously, they make great gifts, too. Sure, the average survivor will probably have most of these already, but things wear out and break. Other things get lost. Other things will get stolen. So when your favorite people need replacement survival items…it’s gift-giving time! (Of course, I highly suggest stocking up on these items now, while we still have time.)
In life, any life, before or after an apocalypse you meet all kinds of people. The thing with people is they tend to fall into categories. They don’t do it on purpose, in fact they don’t do it themselves, our minds do it to the people we meet. We categorize and stereotype for our safety and to save space in out brains for things like the lyrics to the Ninja Rap from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
In the future though, when we’ve only got a tenth of our population and don’t know who is friend and who is foe, it will help to be cautious of certain people you meet based on some well worn stereotypes.
You see them in all your study materials [1. read: books, movies, comics, etc.] but never really acknowledge what they mean to you and your survival if they land themselves in you party or in your path on your way to hide in the abandoned mental institutional.
Below is a handy reference guide to some of the people you may meet on the other side of the apocalypse and the issues that may arise from dealing with them [2. Don’t think you are without flaws here! If somehow you’ve gotten to be the leader of this ragtag group, you’re probably arrogant, stubborn and obsessive. You could also get everyone you know killed if you take too many risks — or be killed yourself if you’re too annoying. Watch out.] .
Although it’s almost over, let’s not forget that October is National Bullying Prevention Month. With our eyes on the youth of first-world societies and their inability to act like civilized human beings, too often tormenting one another to death, we forget where they learn it from.
Civility is a taught behavior. Unfortunately, many adults seem to think being grown is the same thing as acting right. They forget that hate crimes are not youthful indiscretions but evidence of an ailing society where some give themselves permission to prey on others based on minutia. Rarely is prey selected based on anything actually dangerous (Zombies, Vampires, Brain Slugs) or chosen by the individual (Mad scientists, Militias). Rather the prey are selected based on the basic Us mentality.
We all know that things will change in the post apocalypse. Even if you’re living under a rock, that rock is going to change (and possibly disintegrate) after the world ends. Aspects of our lives will change. Politics, social structures—all that will change. And…religion will change too. (Possibly not for the better.)
You might be wondering why I’m thinking about religion. It’s because I’m currently taking a religious studies class, which is, unfortunately, full of the ultra-super-conservative types. Also unfortunately, they are driving me freaking insane. And even more unfortunately, it’s only been a week.
Since I had to…I don’t know, share my not-so ultra-super-conservative views with someone, I bugged Ann on Google Talk this morning. Not so she could feel the pain with me (though misery does love company), but so we could discuss how religion might evolve in a post-apocalyptic society.
Because we love you, dear readers, here is an excerpted (and grammatically cleaned up) version of our chat.
*Warning: The following conversation may be considered controversial. But that’s kinda the point.*
We’ve talked quite a bit about zombie survival. You know, how to keep zombies from invading your settlement, how to keep zombies from chasing you down and eating you, and how to toss those really annoying people who just won’t quit whining over the wall into the zombie encampment. (Well, maybe not that last one. But you know you thought about it.)
But what if the zombie is someone who’s close to you? Maybe someone who’s part of your survival group? Or—gasp—someone who’s part of your family?
And not the annoying great-aunt who gives you tacky reindeer sweaters at Christmas and force-feeds you fruitcake after kissing you while making fishy lips, either. No, we’re talking close relatives here. You know, your mom or dad (if you’re on speaking terms with them), your sibling (ditto), your spouse, or your kids. And what about your best friend? Having your best friend try to attack you and make you lunch just might be worse than watching your mother turn into a brain-eating undead humanoid.
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Don’t get me wrong, having your mother turn into a zombie can also be pretty bad.
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Especially if you’re a kid. Like this little girl here, who wakes up one morning to find that zombies have invaded her town. And instead of making her breakfast, her mother is now trying to have her for breakfast. (Crappy, that.)
I’m going to continue Char and ann’s death talk trend this week. Especially since just yesterday I had to extinguish a life for crossing me wrong.
Now, mind you, this life was attached to a spider who’d mistakenly made its way into my bag and probably couldn’t have gotten out if it wanted to. But it was huge and aggressive looking and in MY bag. Spiders can do as they please in the great outdoors but in my bag, in an office building, in the city? You’re gonna die.
This minor infraction[1. To some people who give a shit about spiders and don’t mind reaching blindly into their dark bag to reach back out with a meaty little eight legged monster attached to their arm.], a wrong turn in the wrong neighborhood, resulted in Devil Spider’s vilification and eventual death. Would I have done the same if I had the means and found someone trespassing in my safe spot whilst trying to survive?
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It’s a matter of post apocalyptic fact. You are going to lose someone you love. Parents, children, partners- maybe even just a pet. The apocalypse will steal them from you, break your heart. And it won’t just be in the initial chaos of the end of the world- it’ll happen in the back-breaking grind of immediate survival. It’ll even happen when your safe (ish) and settled (ish).
People are going to die, and probably much sooner than you would expect.
Want to get rich quick at the end of the world? Stock up on shit nobody needs. Seriously. After six months of roughing it and cowering in fear and smelling something foul every time you sit down or raise your arm, you’d do just about anything for a hint of comfort.
The key is, people can and will do without most of the amenities they have access to in daily life. People don’t need delicious food but they travel, and search, and pay and wait just to get what might be delicious food. People don’t need most things, but they want so, so much stuff.
This is where you come in. Smart people pack what they need or what they can carry. They have rations, MREs, bottled water, antiseptic spray and the like.You, my entrepreneurial friend, you will have random shit nobody needs but everybody wants.
