Just Cover You Calves and Ankles

Way too often I see games, movies, tv shows and whatever else where people are trudging through the zombie apocalypse and, surprise, they get bit on the calf or ankle. Duh! Cover your calves and ankles and this problem disappears.

See, when people die they fall down. On the ground. Around that area where your feet are… That area you’re not usually looking in when you’re walking forward. I see some of the best shooters and fighters kicking through knee-high weeds and then ARRGGGH somethings got their leg like a shark attack.

Seriously though, I can’t feel bad for you if you see a bun of zombies crawling and laying around and you don’t think to protect your most vulnerable parts. You don’t even need combat boots or women’s boots (though women have no excuse for not covering their calves and ankles with boots). Rain boots, though your feet will stink in like six minutes, are perfect. Can you bite through rubber? I can’t.

And you know what the first suggestion will be? Cut the leg off! This may or may not work. Sometime it does, sometime it doesn’t (even in the same fictional universe in some cases). But even if it does, you’ll be hobbled and they’ll be whispering about not wanting to take care of you or how you’ll slow everyone down. This is all the best case scenario where you actually survive the bite and amputation. Because there’s the slow descent into infection and death from either the bite or the amateur doctoring.

Your calves and ankles don’t need to be covered with some indestructible, adamantium-type shit. What’s important is, can’t it be easily torn or bitten through? If no, you’re good. Also important, can you comfortably flee from not only shambling corpses but also fully ambulatory, aggressive humans.

TLDR: Cover Your Calves and Ankles

1. Dead people fall down; living people look up. You can’t change this, just deal with it.

2. Getting bit on the leg is a dumb way to die. Even if they try to save you, you’re dead-ish. They’ll laugh when they tell your story as a cautionary tale to children.

3. Most any boot will do because most people can’t bite through boots. (Also, animals are less likely to hurt you if they have an extra layer or leather or  soccer shin guards to get through.)

4. Don’t cover your calves and ankles to the detriment of your mobility. There’s no point in just being safe from the crawlers if you can’t dodge the walkers or out run the humans.

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Post-apocalypse new parenthood, revisited

A really, really long time ago, I wrote about having a baby and being a new parent in the post-apocalypse (and by extension, the apocalypse). In those posts, I had all sorts of fun tips about how to survive with a baby and all that during the fun post-apocalyptic period before things settle down into quaint dystopia.

I had a baby not too long ago, so everything is once again fresh in my mind.

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Therefore, I’m here to add one more tip about having a baby in the post-apocalypse:

Don’t do it.

Why? you might ask. After all, won’t we need to repopulate the planet after a good majority of the population are decimated by Asgardians/zombies/evil space monkeys?

Well, yeah, obviously we’ll have to rebuild. But seriously, don’t do it when the post-apocalypse is so fresh you can still see the fires burning over New York City. Wait until after things have settled and humans have all been enslaved/made to fight each other to the death on TV/turned into zombies.

Because otherwise, you will probably die. Your baby, too. And you wouldn’t want to be responsible for the death of a helpless tiny human who looks really cute, now do you? I thought not.

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I don't want to be last… (Zombies, Run! 5k Training)

I started doing Zombie’s, Run! again.  Why? Because I’m shockingly out of shape.

I imagine myself running from a shambling heard across a vacant parking lot or field.

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The distance increases and I start to feel triumphant. Eventually, and by that I mean like 30 seconds, I start to tire and slow. They don’t.

I realized that even the Romero-esque slow-but-steady zombies would eventually over take me. If there’s nowhere to hide and it’s just a matter of  endurance, I’m fucked.

Last week I started my diet and exercise routine. My plan is to run every other day and alternate excuses motivating forces.

Six to Start, the creators of Zombies, Run! also make a 5k (a little over 3 miles) training app. This app has is great for people who like to set goals and alternate their running routine because running is boring.

Zombies, Run! 5k Training is a fantastic addition to the Zombies, Run! program because the characters and the universe overlap without anything but the first chapter of the story repeating. I was super concerned I’d be doing the same story with different prompts. It was surprisingly hard to find out that they’re different.

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In the Zombies, Run! 5k Training program you’re still Runner 5 but you’re not running on a mission, you’re training to get faster because Able Township not only needs you, it needs you at your best.

I like to run inside on my treadmill because I’m an indoor kid and no one can see me. Unfortunately, when the trainer wants me to run for 15 seconds, I have a bit of a clumsy transition as it takes my treadmill about 30 seconds to get up to speed… I manage.

While I really enjoy both Zombies, Run! and Zombies, Run! 5k Training, I found there’s one major difference between the app I have on my iPod and the app I have on my Galaxy S3: The accelerometer doesn’t seem to know I’m moving… I don’t know if that’s an issue with my S3 or an issue with the app.

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I’ll keep trying. [1. Fortunately, I’m on a treadmill so I can track my stats manually.]

Both programs link to Six to Start’s ZombieLink web situation where you can share stats (if your app decides to track them) and running routes and progress.

I realize $7.99 is a lot of money for app, but Zombie’s Run! is not just an app. It’s an audiobook, a choose your own adventure, a personal trainer, a progress monitor, and a game. If you want to get fit and be the star of a zombie apocalypse mystery movie, get the app. And if you want a bit of extra motivation and a change of pace, get the Zombies, Run! 5k Training app too.

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Quick Survival Tip: Stay Active

Staying active is the only way to practice the need to fight or flee at any moment. Down time sounds fantastic on paper but too much can be the death of you and your ability to survive any situation.

  • Could you easily climb to the 20th floor of a building in a hurry?
  • Could you walk 20 miles in a day? Run five miles with a pack on your back?
  • Could you wake up in the middle of the night and sprint through the woods or ruins of s city?

Personally, I can barely make it up 12 steps in my own home without a whinge and a rest. Not a good sign.

Sitting one the couch reading books will not prepare you for the post-apocalyptic survival. Knowing piles of things with out doing them will not prepare you.

It’s hard to stay active when it’s a choice but making it a challenge might make it easier.

Some challenges to help you stay active:

1. Zombies, Run! – This is an interactive story where you’re the main character, Runner 5. You’re coached and guided by the communications expert at a survival camp to run all over the English countryside. You’re the hero and more items you collect the more you can build up your camp.

Missions can be a half hour or an hour, between checkpoints you listen to a playlist you load into the app, your progress is tracked as a runner and the more you run, the swankier you base will get.

2. About.com’s 30-day Fitness Challenge – This one’s for people who need constant prodding. You’re signing up for a 30-day newsletter, each day brings a new challenge– all you have to do is read your email.

3. 100 push-up & 200 sit-ups – This is a great challenge for those who want to prove their dedication to themselves. Over a six-week period you build up the strength until you can do 100 push-ups or 200 sit-up non-stop.

If you do the initial test, you might be shocked to find how flimsy you actually are.

Staying active is a choice.

Choose not only to get that heart healthy 30 minutes of activity a day but also build yourself up and make staying active a part of who you are so when everything else is torn away you can be confident that you’ll still be standing strong, running fast, and generally not dying a heinous death at the hands of robot-alien-zombies.

 

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How To: Murder

We’ve said before that you aren’t going to be able to spend the whole apocalypse hiding away in a basement. You’re going to need to get out there, seize the wastes with both grimy hands. Scavenge strange new foods, barricade a whole new part of town. But there are going to be people out there who want to stop you from doing that. They want to hurt you. So you are going to have to murder them.

Now, now. Stop shaking. Definitely don’t call the police. I’m not saying you should kill someone before society collapses into an anarchic hellhole where joy and hope are far from your grasp. Wait till after. No murder now, got it? No murder. And I’m not saying it’s a good thing to do, either.  Just that if it’s you or them, you should choose you.

First, try to seperate out your guilt. You are a good person, which is why the resistance to the whole murder thing. But this person will kill you, and probably hurt you very badly before they’re done. It’s survival, pure and simple. Forget the emotions in the midst of the act.

Second, go for their vulnerabilities. No matter how big or scary they are, all people have weaknesses, and all people can be killed. Most of the time they’ll be relying on fear to keep you in check, because they know as well as you what you can do.

Murder in the Serail
Murder in the Serail (Photo credit: Wikipedia) This racist picture shows murder

You have nothing to lose. Really, nothing. You are in horrible trouble right now. If you don’t try to kill them, they will murder you – or worse. If you do and fail, they’ll still kill you, but at least it’ll be quick. And if you try and succeed, you’re out of the situation.

Don’t forget – despite what Hollywood tells you it is pretty easy to murder someone. You can do it by accident, even. The human body is pretty fragile. Push someone, they hit their head and their brains are on the floor. It’s going to be much easier to do if you have a weapon. It’s unlikely to be the physically difficult thing that TV shows you.

Emotionally? Not gonna lie. If you have even a trace of decency left in you, you are going to hate yourself after the murder. That’s good. That’s a good thing. It means you aren’t like that monster you just killed, who would have raped, tortured and murdered you with no guilt. You are still a good person. Feel those feelings. Just don’t let them make you self-destructive.

If they have friends around, they are going to go looking. If they find the body, they may be able to track you down. Hide or bury the body, then get out of there, sharpish.

Depending on how you do it, you are going to need to clean yourself off. Don’t worry about the waste of water, it’s more important that you feel safe and comfortable right now. You’ve just breached a major rule and done a dreadful thing. You had to do it, and it the modern world they’d give you a short sentence, because it was self-defense. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself back in line with the person you are, to reconnect with your basic good-person-ness.

If you can’t do any of these things and you know it, I’d suggest not scavenging alone. Instead hire a loyal sociopath (or marry one) who will attach to you utterly and murder people for you. They’re really useful. Just stay on their good side!

 

And of course, this is all hypothetical. I must reiterate that I have never murdered anyone, nor do I have plans to, though if you break into my house and try and hurt me all bets are off.

 

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Disruptive Innovation: BOLT: Portable USB Battery Backup

Launched earlier this this month on kickstarter, the BOLT: Portable USB Battery Backup is something we need to have in our future.

The BOLT works like a regular wall to USB to phone charger—except after you unplug the phone and the BOLT from the wall, the BOLT can still function as a charger without the wall.

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It charges itself while plugged in and can then recharge your phone later if you’re away from an outlet.

The BOLT is perfect for everyday survival.

Whether you find yourself stuck in traffic or bugging out, you’ll be the one still able to call for delivery or GSP your way to safety.

With 18 days still remaining [at time of writing] fluxmob’s BOLT has already reached its $44k goal. I’m sure this is because we humans would like a brighter more portable future and know good, disruptive innovation when we see it.

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And speaking of seeing, the BOLT is a sexy little thing.

The wall prongs can be conveniently folded into the body when not in use

I like that fluxmob seems to be tech jargony enough that I feel they know what they’re talking about.

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Unfortunately, their actual website doesn’t contain much more information than the kickstarter and, most concerning: no names.

Suspicions aside, I’m geeked to live in a world where the masses want the BOLT and have the power to make it happen.

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Notice the $44,000 USD goal was reached so now they’re going for a stretch goal of $88,000 so they can make international adapters for the BOLT

Corpses Everywhere: What to do with The Dead.

When it all goes to shit, the corpses will be everywhere. No, not the zombies, but the dead. The regular dead. The bodies of people who didn’t make it. You think I’m kidding? Take a look on the news about what happens to regions after a natural disaster hits. In places without a unified emergency services, the corpses just lie around decomposing until volunteers and citizens can get to burying them. Post-Apocalypse, there won’t be emergency services, or groups of volunteers, and citizens are going to be too busy fleeing for their lives to dig out the corpses and lay them to rest.

 

Initally, you’ll be among those fleeing citizens, and that’s fine. But when you start settling down, building your community, you are going to need to do something about all those corpses lying around. Why? Two reasons – 1. Health, 2. Morale.

 

Lets get down to the nitty-gritty here. Not wanting to be indelicate, but a decomposing corpse is a health hazard. Bacteria, rot, rats, to mention only the most obvious. Several hundred or thousand corpses are worse. You don’t want to do all the dreadful things needed in order to survive just to end up dying because you didn’t clear out the houses, do you? Plus, the knowledge that all those dead people are there, behind their locked doors, just rotting into oblivion, is bound to be too much for some of your community.

 

So what do you do? In Stephen King’s The Stand, the survivors who massed in Boulder set up a house-clearing team, who went from house to house, removing corpses and planting them in a mass grave. It sounds harsh and cold, but it’s a good idea. You don’t have time to bury everyone individually, and while a funeral pyre seems like a nice idea you probably have more important things to do with the wood.

 

Make sure your burial pit is well outside of town, far enough that your farmers won’t accidentally dig into it in ten or twenty years. Set your team up – ensure they all wear masks and protective suits – and have them go from house to house, clearing out the bodies. If you have any religious leaders in your compound, this is a good time to have them bless the pit. You can’t have them buried individually, but such a guesture will make you look good and make the more faith-inclined among you more comfortable with the idea.

 

Plague pit sign, council estate, Pitfield St, ...
Plague pit sign, council estate, Pitfield St, Hackney, London, UK (Photo credit: gruntzooki)

If you feel guilty, remember it’s a perfectly legitimate choice. During the Black Death, the victims were interred in Plague Pits. These places are now remembered by stone markers. The survivors of the plague- an apocalyptic event if there ever was one, in which around 60% of the population of Europe died – didn’t have time to find out the names of the dead or give them a proper burial, and neither do you.

 

It’s best to do this task sooner rather than later, especially if the apocalypse happens in the warmer months. It should be one of the first thigns you do, in fact, just after building your barriacdes and setting up your government. The volunteers who do the task should be well rewarded, with extra rations or luxury goods. When all the dead have been removed, and the pit has been filled, apply some consideration to the feelings of your people and put some kind of memorial there. Maybe plant a tree, or some flowers. It’ll grow good and strong.

 

In 500 years, when it’s all long gone and a new society has arisen, the archaeologists of the future will find your mass grave and make assumptions based on it. Here is a good chance to put an explanation in with the corpses, if you care about that sort of thing.

 

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Calgary flood: Practicing for the apocalypse

A shot of downtown Calgary. source: CTV.ca
A shot of downtown Calgary. Source: ctvnews.ca. Click on image to get to original post.

So yeah, this picture? That’s downtown Calgary. Thankfully, I don’t live in downtown Calgary (or in any of the areas that got evacuated), but I do live in Calgary.

For those not in the loop (or those not in Canada), Southern Alberta has gotten a ridiculous amount of rain over the last week. When Mr. Char asked me if I’d built my ark earlier this week, I thought he was joking.

He wasn’t.

To put it another way, I’ve seen more rain in Calgary in the last week than I did the entire time I lived in Texas. In a town along the Gulf Coast — one that was decimated by Hurricane Ike back in 2008.

Yeah. It’s a lot of rain.

In fact, as I write this post, it is STILL raining. One of the city’s rivers has already crested (one of the actual rivers, not one of the makeshift street-rivers), and I would imagine the second has as well — or if it hasn’t it will shortly, and the local dam/reservoir has, to my knowledge, overflowed.

Too bad God wasn’t speaking to me earlier this week. (Or, um, ever, actually.) Also, it’s too bad I have no idea what the hell a cubit is.

Starting yesterday, huge swaths of the city were given mandatory flood evacuation orders. Those orders kept coming, and ended (I believe) sometime this morning. As of this point, at least 75,000 people in Calgary alone were booted from their homes. Some of the small towns surrounding the city have ended up under water. Some towns were evacuated in their entirety (for example, the town of Bragg Creek, about 44 km — please don’t ask me what that is in miles — west of Calgary, was completely evacuated and power to the town was shut off). Most of the town of High River is under water; enough water has collected to completely submerge vehicles. Boats are going around to rescue people stranded on rooftops.

There are only a few evacuation centres (only about 4, I think); the rest of the evacuees are being put up by friends, family, and random strangers who have opened up their homes.

It is, in a way, reminiscent of Hurricane Katrina. Only not, because we didn’t have gale force winds and mass destruction or anything like that. But as far as rainfall in a landlocked province goes, this is pretty much classified as “torrential rains.”

The mayor of Calgary is urging everyone to stay home unless it’s absolutely necessary to leave. I have NOT been evacuated. Mr. Char’s office was closed for the day, and everyone was sent home. So, for the time being, my family is at home, taking a movie (and writing) day. (I have never been happier to live at the top of the hill.)

But! For those who were evacuated — and for anyone who could possibly be evacuated for anything in the future — what do you pack? What do you take with you?

There are loads and loads of articles about this online. Any prepper worth their salt will have a Go Bag prepped and ready to go. If, however, you’re not a prepper, and you find yourself being evacuated, what do you do? Here’s a quick list (and note that it is NOT definitive):

  • Don’t panic. (Well, okay, maybe you can, but only a little bit and only in the beginning. Afterward, you’re really going to have to get your ass in gear because you’ve just lost valuable prepping time.)
  • Pack enough clothes for the length of the evacuation, plus a few days extra. For example, Calgary’s evac order is for 72 hours. So, pack clothes for a week, just in case.
  • Bring ALL prescription and necessary medication with you. This is pretty self-explanatory.
  • Take all important documents. Passports, health/immunization records, driver’s license, SIN/SSN, birth certificates, blah blah blah. You never know when you’re going to need them.
  • Bring a first aid kit. Just in case.
  • Pack supplies (ie. food and water). Because you never know when  you’re going to need them. And it’s always good to have supplies on you, especially when you’re evacuating and you don’t know when you’re going to be home.
  • Tell your neighbors you’re evacuating. That way someone knows. Also, officials here in Calgary told people to mark their doors with a giant “X” so that rescue personnel know your house is empty. That’s a good idea, too. (But that might leave your house open to looters/robbers if it gets to that point, so that’s a toss-up.)

Obviously, the above is not a complete list. If you’re being evacuated because of a flood, get important documents, pictures, etc out of the basement, or at least put them in waterproof containers. You never know what you’re going to come home to, and it might very well be a flooded basement.

To everyone in Calgary and Southern Alberta, stay safe!

And now for some pictures! (Note, I obviously didn’t take these pictures — every picture is credit to a source, usually to a news outlet. Click on the images to get to the original posts.)

CAL062113-gya-3.jpg
Stampede Park, Calgary, where the Calgary Stampede is held every year — this year’s starts in under two weeks. Source: nationalpost.com. Click on image to get to original post.
CAL062113-gya-4.jpg
Elbow River, one of the two rivers crossing Calgary. Source: nationalpost.com. Click on image to get to original post.
cougar creek
Cougar Creek in Canmore, a town in the Canadian Rockies about 100km west of Calgary. Source: ctvnews.ca. Click on the image to get to the original post.
bow river3
The Bow River (the second — and bigger — of Calgary’s two rivers) bursts its banks. Source: calgaryherald.com. Click on image to get to original post.

 

 

Resource Roundup [6/21]

America

Are you fat enough to survive the zombie apocalypse?

Howard Schneider takes an odd look at politicians to determine if they’re fat enough to survive the apocalypse…

Governor of New Jersey at a town hall in Hills...
Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, at a town hall in Hillsborough, NJ 3/2/11 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If they’re super-fit and fat-free, are they better off when the dead rise?

Or would New Jersey’s Republican governor, Chris Christie — the self-proclaimed “healthiest fat guy you’ve ever seen” — fare better in a food-deprived environment with his stored surplus energy?

Might our female politicians — say, a comfortable-in-the-wild Sarah Palin or Iraq veteran Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) — tap their survival skills, as well as women’s generally higher body-fat percentages, and take control?

What about President Obama? Thin, yes, but not in that amped-up way that makes you think he’d fall apart if he had to hunker down for a couple of days without a GNC JackedPack.

[via The Washington Post]

 

Canada

Flooding hits Alberta province, forces 75,000 people from their homes in Calgary

Oh no. Pray for Char and the moose and the other Canadians — even Chad and Avril–, it looks like the earth is rearing up to wash away the plague that is humanity (specifically Canadians)…

[via CNN.com]

 

Great Britain

Official Trailer for Cockneys vs Zombies (Coming to the US August 2nd 2013)

Who’d win in a fight, a zombie or your granddad? What about a race? These are the deep questions that will be answered in the upcoming Cockneys vs Zombies.

COCKNEY
A native of the East End of London, born within hearing of the ringing of the Bow Bells

ZOMBIE
A supernatural power or spell that according to voodoo belief can enter into and reanimate a corpse

SYNOPSIS
The Bow Bells Care Home is under threat and the McGuire’s – Andy, Terry, and Katy – need to find some way to keep their grandfather and his friends in the East End, where they belong. But, when you’re robbing a bank, zombie invasions makes things a lot harder. And let’s face it, they need all the help they can get when their bank-robbing experts turn out to be Mental Mickey and Davey Tuppance. As contractors to an East London building site unlock a 350-year old vault full of seriously hungry zombies, the East End has suddenly gone to hell and the Cockney way of life is under threat. Equipped with all the guns and ammo they can carry, it’s up to the gang to save the hostages, their grandfather, and East London from zombie Armageddon.

[via Hulu]

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Quick Survival Tip: Stand up for Yourself

Survival, in a pre- or post-apocalyptic world, requires compromise and self-reliance. We often see apocalyptic fiction where there is one leader and it’s his way or no way and everyone just gets dragged along with wide eyes and gaping jaws.

That didn’t work out for Rick Grimes or any of Alice‘s (Resident Evil) friends. Why? Because everyone else had thoughts and ideas and didn’t stand up for them or the value of their lives.

Sometimes people try to speak loudly and use tactics to assert dominance and get you to go with their flow.

Often, we think, this isn’t right. But rarely do we vocalize that thought and even less often do we stand up and fight for it.

Standing up for yourself can be seen as more hassle than it’s worth. However, at the end of the world, with a leader making decisions you’re not 100% for, standing up for yourself could be the only thing between survival and death.

When Rick Grimes is telling you you’re storming Woodbury or Alice is shoving a gun in your hand and leaving you with a child to protect, you’ll wish you had more practice standing up for yourself.

I’m terrible at speaking up for myself, but recently I had the opportunity, and I took it!

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I had an insurance claim for my phone recently and they tried to replace my phone with what they were calling an equivalent phone. It wasn’t and everyone knew it.

I called the service line and was asked at least four times in a three minute call if I wanted to complete the claim (read: shut the fuck up and take the offer).

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I tried to explain to the woman on the phone that I’ve done my research and I— She just started spewing facts about this lesser phone (it has a calculator too!) at me like an eight-year-old with their fingers in their ears saying, “la la la, I can’t hear you.”

That was neither helpful nor respectful. I still refused to close the claim.

It was clear that they weren’t being fair and my expected role in this scenario was to be quiet, stupid, and compliant.

Instead I took to tweeting (not rudely, mind you) as it’s the loudest place on the internet, citing my research, and refusing to drop or close the claim. I pointed out that what they were doing was quite clear and very offensive.

So, after I stood up for myself, the called me and offered a much more reasonable solution with little to no pain or suffering involved.

Because I stood up for myself, I had a new, actually equivalent phone three days after the incident.

I won’t get into the mechanics of customer service but shit that was frustrating. I wish it had been that easy from Jump Street.

Unfortunately, making things fair and easy isn’t in everyone’s best interest. Most people will feel that frustration and give in to the stat-spewing call rep or finger-pointing ex-sheriff.

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If you realize you’re getting a raw deal, don’t stand for it. Channel my mom (who I use to call to deal with things like this), or your demanding aunt, or your picky friend and speak up.

When it comes to the division of food for survival and someone tries to tell you that you don’t deserve an equal share, you’ll be better prepared from practice and you’ll develop the confidence to know you deserve better.

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