Knitting: A post-apocalyptic skill you MUST learn.

I’ve decided to learn how to knit. Not just because I want to make my own bloody scarves, but because I think it will be useful.

Of course, to the people who get a little concerned about me when I start yammering on about the end of the world, I’m pointing out the accepted benefits- it’s relaxing, it keeps your hands busy so you snack less, you get a pretty jumper out of the deal, learning new skills keeps the brain sharp- but as with all things, I’m mainly thinking about it’s usefulness post apocalypse.

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Skills you'll need in the post apocalypse

A couple weeks ago, Ann wrote about post apocalyptic jobs. To do any job well, you’ll need a certain skill set. (Well, in theory, anyway.) Which is great for people who, you know, have skills that translate well in the post apocalypse. So people who have speed and endurance, people who can live in the wilderness of wherever for unknown lengths of time, people who can cook meals with random ingredients, and people who can break other people in half like twigs will probably have a leg up on everybody else. You know, like the people who sit in front of a computer all day (unless the post apocalypse has a lot of computers in it; in which case, there might be hope for me).

But let’s think about our individual (present) skills for a moment, shall we? Why? Well, because these are the skills that we’ll take with us into the post apocalypse, should the apocalypse happen tomorrow, next week, or December 21, 2012.

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ROBOT UPRISING [a handy guide, just in case.]

So there’s this book, by Daniel H. Wilson, “How to Survive a Robot Uprising“. In the words of Laurie Beth Dimberg: This is vital information for your everyday life.

This could one day replace the Bible as the most read and referenced book in the world.  In the future, no one will be wondering which berries are safe to eat or who Abraham’s son was. They will, however, want to know How to Spot a Rebellious Robot Servant, or How to Spot a Hostile Robot.

Why? Because Robots will be everywhere, and they eat old people’s medicine for fuel.

Personally I like to believe in a world where humans and robots get along in a healthy prosperous society with hover-cars, time travel, and a few noteworthy space bandits.

I also like to believe that when the vampires and werewolves reveal themselves as an under culture we only nightmared about there will only be a few riots and no cataclysmic power struggle.

But, just in case shit gets technological and then goes awry, buy, or just look into it: \\\ ROBOT UPRISING ///.

small but mighty.

Potential apocalypse alert: Scientists breed hyper-agressive rats.

 

This is how the apocalypse starts people. Right here.  Russian scientists have bred a type of particularly agressive rat. Geneticist Svante Paabo was ‘stunned’ by the agressiveness of the rats, and stated  that he felt that if ’10 or 20′ got out of their cages they ‘would probably kill [him]’

Let’s hope they don’t get out of their cages, huh?

Short Sharp Science: Beyond Room 101: The hyperaggressive rat.

The normal wild rat is a clever creature, typically non-agressive to humans unless there a lot of rats and a weak human.  I shouldn’t need to point out the risks of hyper-agressive rats.

Scientists say that through this research they are discovering genetic links to agressive and timid behaviour. I say they’re planning to take over the world with the use of rats.

So what can you do to survive this one? Well, poison and traps are your first priority. After that get as far from a population centre as possible and ensure your barricades have no gaps rats could get into. If you have time, put chicken wire 8 foot under the ground and ensure your wall and building foundations touch it. After a while, interbreeding with the normal rat population will reduce agressiveness to handleable levels (within about ten years,) and you’re set to rebuild. Good luck!

 

 

Maintaining a healthy relationship post-apocalypse

In most of the western world romantic love is the ideal. From day one we are told it will conquer all, that there is a specific kind of ‘true’ love that overwhelms all obstacles and ensures your safety and happiness. This is a lie. Love exists, but a happy and successful relationship post-apocalypse will need a lot more than just love.  I decided to talk about how to keep yourself- and your relationship- alive and healthy in the hellish future.

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Lets talk for a bit about the sort of love we’re told to expect by the media. This love is wild, dramatic. It happens when two people who seem to really dislike each other meet in a stressful circumstance. Regardless of how incompatible they are, they fall in love, which makes it great. Because that totally works in real life. If you’ve had more than one or two relationships I shouldn’t need to tell you this is nonsense. That kind of ‘love’ rarely lasts, and is rarely healthy or supportive when it does. More to the point, if required to survive, it will get you killed.

Picture this. You are hunting for food. Just you and your lover. Awww. But you disagree on which way to go! Your hollywood-approved belligerent sexual tension means you argue, and snipe at each other over which way to go. You’re distracted- so distracted you don’t hear the threat sneaking up on you. BAM. You’re now slaves to a set of raiders. How could you have solved this? Well, several ways, but for the purposes of this post we’ll talk about the ideal Apocalypse survival relationship skills.

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Bugs in the post-apocalypse

So, I hate bugs. (All bugs, including spiders, which may or may not be considered a bug.) Unfortunately, I’ve been battling an ant invasion for the last few months, so I’ve got bugs on my mind. The crazy little buggers keep coming back, which is driving me up the wall. I’ve also found grasshoppers and spiders wandering around, too. (Have I mentioned I have a phobia of bugs—especially spiders? Yeah, even lady bugs terrify me.)

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Pre-Apocalypse Fun: Impact Earth

While I think the apocalypse will arrive as a result of us blowing ourselves up or allowing a fancy new designer virus that turns everyone into zombies to fall into the wrong hands, I’ve always been partial to The End coming as a result of an asteroid impact. (Well, that and alien invasion. What can I say, I’m a science fiction geek.

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)

I think it puts the human race in a slightly better light, since we wouldn’t have offed ourselves as a result of someone’s inability to play well in the sandbox. However, I also don’t think anyone’s going to be able to drill a hole in the middle of this large flying object and put a nuke in it so that it blows itself up (yes, Armageddon, I’m looking at you).

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Post-apocalyptic Healthcare

Last week, my three year old daughter had some awesome and fun medical adventures that required a trip to emergency and a few trips to the doctor’s office.

While I was taking my daughter back and forth from the ER to the doctor’s office (and back to the doctor’s office), I thought about what healthcare would be like post apocalypse. My daughter needed staples to close up a nasty gash on her head and antibiotics to combat an infection. Today, we can get that kind of treatment. But what about during the chaotic days immediately after the apocalypse?

There will probably be first aid and/or emergency stations, at least in the beginning. I’m sure that, regardless of what actually happens, people will be injured and will die during the apocalypse. I’d like to think that there will be places those people can go to get help.

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What to do if The Apocalypse Comes While You're at Work (or School)

 

Well, If I was at work when the apocalypse hit I’d probably run right out into the street to die. Or, I’d sneak myself into the building next door and say I’m the temp who just started that morning[1. Hmm, I think I’ll keep that one in my back pocket. Just in case.].

Most movies give us the impression that the apocalypse will hit when we wake up at 10am on Saturday morning. Upon seeing carnage in the streets or feeling tremors shake our house, we’ll pack up our families and our prized possessions. Then we’ll get in the car and frantically loot the well stocked stores nearby and team up with a nurse, criminal, and police officer at the local mall.

That’d be nice…

Unfortunately, most of us spend about thirty percent of our week getting to or being at work. If you’re in college then you could be any number or places on or around campus, but colleges do have amazing hideout potential (some even underground networks).

If you find yourself at work during the apocalypse and choose not to exile yourself, your first priority is saving yourself. Your second priority, however, is choosing your role. Not what you were at work, but what you want to be in this situation. It might be to your advantage to play up some stereotypes or lie a lot about who you are and what you’re capable of.

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Post-Apocalyptic Reading: Pocket Guide To The Apocalypse by Jason Boyett

This is not a review. I just bought a book and am too excited to wait until after I’ve read it to spread the word.

I generally get excited about bout books; but gosh, I love facts and short bursts of information. Those fact a day calendars were made for me [1. except I always binge and cheat by looking ahead to learn more.]. And this new book, is right up my alley.

At times, I can have a handicapped attention span. The worst is when I know I only have a little bit of time, like on the train on my way to work. It’s difficult for me to get into a book knowing I can only read in sprints here and there or risk missing my stop because I’m engrossed [2. I know, woe the problems of the first world citizen].

Jason Boyett’s Pocket Guide To The Apocalypse: The Official Field Manual For The End Of The World is a perfect cure for not only my morbid fascination with the apocalypse, but also my love of sample-size facts and short-burst reading.

(Also, it fits in my purse. I love books that fit in my purse. [3. Has anyone realized I’m a huge nerd yet?])

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