If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know by now I’m into apocalypse training. Most people would call it a fitness regime, but for me it is most definitely about not being too fat, too slow, too weak to survive.
To that end, I have made a decision. At least once a week, every week, I am going on an Apocalypse Walk to get myself ready- and I want YOU to join me.
What makes the Apocalypse Walk different from normal walking?
Continue reading “The Apocalypse Walk”
Part game, part fitness training, Zombies, Run! is the absolute BEST way I’ve seen to get yourself zombie fit. And it also may be the thing that finally makes me buy an android or an iPhone (that I can’t afford), so I hope the maker is fucking happy.
Effectively, Zombies, Run! is an audio game for iPhone, iPod touch and Android. In it, you choose your own music list, choose a route, and the game does the rest. In it, You’re Runner 5. Hundreds of lives are counting on you. You’ve got to help your base rebuild from the ruins of civilization by collecting critical supplies while avoiding roving zombie hordes. Can you save them and learn the truth about the zombie apocalypse?
Not only that, but it has strategy and RPG elements. As you run, you collect essential items- med kits, ammo, etc- and you have to decide who is more in need. So for completists like me, it’s perfect.
Zombies, Run keeps track of distance, speed, calories burned, etc, so if you’re nerdy and serious about surviving the apocalypse, check it out.
Congratulations! You’ve gotten through the post-apocalyptic pregnancy and survived the post-apocalyptic childbirth. Now, you’re ensconced in your tent, tucked away in the (relative) safety of your survival camp, with your brand-new, adorable tiny human.
By this I mean your brand new, really loud, really demanding, and sometimes not all that adorable tiny human.
We all know babies are loud. They’re also like little divas, since they don’t do anything but demand you cater to their needs. (Though it could be argued that all kids are like this, regardless of their age. Ahem.) They also require a lot of planning.
The next time you’re traipsing through your favorite department store, take a quick walk through the baby department. You see all that stuff? Cribs, diapers, clothing, wipes, strollers, playpens, blah blah blah? Most of that is actually necessary. (Some of it isn’t—I mean, as much fun as it was to plop my kid in a bouncy seat that vibrated and sang lullabies while blinking in a soothing nightlight pattern, it was also totally ridiculous and completely unnecessary.)
Continue reading “The post-apocalyptic new parent”
So, when the power goes out and the liquor has run down, someone might get horny.
This brings me back to that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine’s favorite contraceptive is discontinued and she goes out and buys as much of it as she can. But then she rations it. She judges men more carefully and while she might like a guy, she also has to determine if they’re truly “sponge worthy.”
We must remember to invest in some of our baser needs to stave off maddness. But we can’t just start doing every Tom, Dick, and Harry who offers a leer because it’s good for our state of minds. That’s how you create Super Aids, Syphilmidia, and Babies. We need to be able to indulge and ration.
Solution: Invest in an Emergency Sex Kit. Continue reading “Survival Sex Kit (not safe for some works)”
In the early post-apocalyptic days, it might seem ridiculous to think about having children. But you’re going to have to think about it at some point. If you don’t have kids, the human race is doomed anyway, so what would’ve been the point of surviving the apocalypse?
So. Babies. I’m going to skip over the mechanics of actually making them (pretty sure we all know how that works). Instead, I’m going to focus on the nine-month flu and the painful act of trying to rip a watermelon out of a peanut. Since there’s a lot of material to cover, I’ll split them into two posts. This week, I’ll be talking about the post-apocalyptic pregnancy.
Caveat: I am not a medical professional, midwife, or a doula. I am, however, the mother of two, for whatever that’s worth.
Ready? Let’s begin.
Continue reading “Post-apocalyptic pregnancy: A basic primer”
Yesterday I went on a long walk with my husband, practicing for the apocalypse. We packed long-dated, easily eaten things and we hunted-gathered while we were there, picking up freshly fallen hazel nuts and eating them along the way.
The problem came on the way home. I was so exhausted my eyes were closing of their on accord. I could barely walk, although home was only 40 minutes away.
So we ruined the whole thing and stopped off for a pub lunch.
But there will be no pub lunches after the apocalypse. Pub lunches will not exist. So what can a lazy girl like me do?
Continue reading “Exhaustion- the whiny killer.”
It’s a matter of post apocalyptic fact. You are going to lose someone you love. Parents, children, partners- maybe even just a pet. The apocalypse will steal them from you, break your heart. And it won’t just be in the initial chaos of the end of the world- it’ll happen in the back-breaking grind of immediate survival. It’ll even happen when your safe (ish) and settled (ish).
People are going to die, and probably much sooner than you would expect.
And you can’t afford to be distant and prostrate with sorrow. So what can you do?
Continue reading “Grieving post apocalypse”
I bought a cute pair of shoes the other day. They made me sooo happy… until I wore them. Then, I wanted to bring them to life like Pinocchio just so I could beat them to death.
What if I’d had to out run something? What if my train had stopped in the middle of God-Knows-Where and I’d had to walk or hike or bushwhack? I’d have probably taken the shoes off and gone barefoot.
I felt legitimate visceral Hate[1. yes, with a capital H] for these shoes. So much so that I shoved them in the back of the closet as soon as I got home to prevent myself from accidentally saving them or slipping them on in a fire.
Sure, I’ve said it is important to live with small inconveniences now to help yourself in the long run. This is why I didn’t complain while they were on[5. Complainers go to the wolves]. I suffered in villainous silence, plotting the ruination of those tow-abusing monstrosities.
Another thing I did? I went home and reevaluated my shoe collection and organization. If you have, as I do, a metric shit ton of shoes, you’ll want to consider keeping them in different places. Specifically, some shoes should be by your major exits. I realize to some organized people this is blasphemous. But there is good reason for this:
- If you keep all your shoes in your shoe closet in your hall/bedroom/guestroom/place that’s not the exit itself, you run the risk of leaving your home without them if you leave in a hurry.
- Choice is not always what you need. Sometimes you just need to know you’re weather ready and shoed.
Continue reading “Post-Apocalyptic Fashion: The Shoes You Have”