Category: Apocalyptic Living

Survival Sex Kit (not safe for some works)

Posted on by tavia.

So, when the power goes out and the liquor has run down, someone might get horny.

This brings me back to that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine’s favorite contraceptive is discontinued and she goes out and buys as much of it as she can. But then she rations it. She judges men more carefully and while she might like a guy, she also has to determine if they’re truly “sponge worthy.”

We must remember to invest in some of our baser needs to stave off maddness. But we can’t just start doing every Tom, Dick, and Harry who offers a leer because it’s good for our state of minds. That’s how you create Super Aids, Syphilmidia, and Babies. We need to be able to indulge and ration.

Solution: Invest in an Emergency Sex Kit. Continue reading “Survival Sex Kit (not safe for some works)”

Post-apocalyptic pregnancy: A basic primer

Posted on by char

In the early post-apocalyptic days, it might seem ridiculous to think about having children. But you’re going to have to think about it at some point. If you don’t have kids, the human race is doomed anyway, so what would’ve been the point of surviving the apocalypse?

So. Babies. I’m going to skip over the mechanics of actually making them (pretty sure we all know how that works). Instead, I’m going to focus on the nine-month flu and the painful act of trying to rip a watermelon out of a peanut. Since there’s a lot of material to cover, I’ll split them into two posts. This week, I’ll be talking about the post-apocalyptic pregnancy.

Caveat: I am not a medical professional, midwife, or a doula. I am, however, the mother of two, for whatever that’s worth.

Ready? Let’s begin.

Continue reading “Post-apocalyptic pregnancy: A basic primer”

Exhaustion- the whiny killer.

Posted on by anninyn

Yesterday I went on a long walk with my husband, practicing for the apocalypse. We packed long-dated, easily eaten things and we hunted-gathered while we were there, picking up freshly fallen hazel nuts and eating them along the way.

The problem came on the way home.

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I was so exhausted my eyes were closing of their on accord.

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I could barely walk, although home was only 40 minutes away.

So we ruined the whole thing and stopped off for a pub lunch.

But there will be no pub lunches after the apocalypse. Pub lunches will not exist. So what can a lazy girl like me do?

Continue reading “Exhaustion- the whiny killer.”

Grieving post apocalypse

Posted on by anninyn

It’s a matter of post apocalyptic fact. You are going to lose someone you love. Parents, children, partners- maybe even just a pet. The apocalypse will steal them from you, break your heart. And it won’t just be in the initial chaos of the end of the world- it’ll happen in the back-breaking grind of immediate survival. It’ll even happen when your safe (ish) and settled (ish).

People are going to die, and probably much sooner than you would expect.

And you can’t afford to be distant and prostrate with sorrow. So what can you do?
Continue reading “Grieving post apocalypse”

Become a Post-Apocalyptic Success Story in Some Easy Steps

Posted on by tavia.

Want to get rich quick at the end of the world? Stock up on shit nobody needs. Seriously. After six months of roughing it and cowering in fear and smelling something foul every time you sit down or raise your arm,  you’d do just about anything for a hint of comfort.

The key is, people can and will do without most of the amenities they have access to in daily life. People don’t need delicious food but they travel, and search, and pay and wait just to get what might be delicious food. People don’t need most things, but they want so, so much stuff.

This is where you come in. Smart people pack what they need or what they can carry. They have rations, MREs, bottled water, antiseptic spray and the like.You, my entrepreneurial friend, you will have random shit nobody needs but everybody wants.

Continue reading “Become a Post-Apocalyptic Success Story in Some Easy Steps”

Learning to Live With Small Inconveniences Now Will Pay Off Big in a Post-Apocalyptic World

Posted on by tavia.

Husband and I both had buffalo chicken for dinner. His was boneless, mine had bones. He sees no point in chicken with bones.

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I’m not totally sure why I like it. However, I do know that come world’s end, no one will be de-boning your chicken for you. You’ll need to get on board with tearing flesh from bone like a predator or get hip to eating grass and the like.

Chicken and other meats having bones is one of many little inconveniences you’ll have to deal with. Thing is, where the fuck do you find chickens? In addition, if you currently know where to find a chicken, I’m sure they’re not smart enough to save themselves. You’ll either have to save the chicken or go back and hope it’s still there. They’re not like dogs, they won’t wait for you.

However, if you’re smart, and you find a chicken, you’ll be smart enough not to slaughter it immediately. Chickens make eggs[1. Don’t worry about chicken eggs being filled with chickens. Chickens only make chickens if they’re exposed to male chickens (roosters or cocks, depending on where you’re from). Otherwise, they’re just eggs that can be stolen and eaten]. Eggs are food. You can have a dozen eggs a month or one chicken for one day. Small inconvenience, big pay off. Also, a lot of people are particular about eggs. The smell, the texture.. Personally, I love eggs. Get over it or eat grass.

Continue reading “Learning to Live With Small Inconveniences Now Will Pay Off Big in a Post-Apocalyptic World”

Knitting: A post-apocalyptic skill you MUST learn.

Posted on by anninyn

I’ve decided to learn how to knit. Not just because I want to make my own bloody scarves, but because I think it will be useful.

Of course, to the people who get a little concerned about me when I start yammering on about the end of the world, I’m pointing out the accepted benefits- it’s relaxing, it keeps your hands busy so you snack less, you get a pretty jumper out of the deal, learning new skills keeps the brain sharp- but as with all things, I’m mainly thinking about it’s usefulness post apocalypse.

Continue reading “Knitting: A post-apocalyptic skill you MUST learn.”

So, you're stuck eating insects.

Posted on by anninyn

It’s a nasty little fact that if you’re in a survival situation and you’re desperate for food, you’re going to have to eat insects. They’re high in protein and nutrients. I know, I know, your pampered little stomachs are in revolt at the very idea. Well, I’m going to ask you: Whats better? Eating an insect or slowly starving to death? Thought so.
By the way, if you chose starving? You’re an idiot.

Continue reading “So, you're stuck eating insects.”

Post-Apocalyptic Personal Hygiene: Brush Your Teeth or Die.

Posted on by tavia.

It seems to be the common perception that in the post-apocalyptic world everyone will be happily filthy and there will be a beautiful sea of unwashed masses who eat grubs and live in abandoned basements.

This hypothesis overlooks the fact that for the last 100 years or so people have gotten used to being clean and coddled. The issue of personal hygiene is not simply about comfort, it’s about safety and survival.

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Do you want to be the asshole who died from an infected pimple or an abscessed tooth?

Many of the daily grooming habits we’ll have to do without are things we’ve grown so accustomed to physiologically, that once they’re removed from our daily lives there will be a noticeable and traumatic impact.