Being A Polite Person When Eating A Person.
Does being a cannibal have to mean rudeness?
At some point in your post-apocalyptic future, you may be required to resort to cannabalism. Please be aware, there is no shame in this choice. You did what you had to do to ensure the survival of yourself and your community. You are still a good person, even if you’re a cannibal. Let go of the guilt.
It’ll probably help with the guilt if you at least display some basic ettiquette about the situation. Just because you’re chowing down on your friends leg is no reason to be rude about it.
But isn’t eating a person inherently rude? No! Not necessarily. I will be your guide to the complex and distrubing world of Cannibal Ettiquette.
First things first, it’s probably best to make sure that there really is No Other Option. It would be height of bad manners to murder and eat someone if twenty minutes later you found a stock of still-good cans of spam. So, the situation must be dire! You must be stuck, desperate and with no hope of anything else.
If you must kill, Make It Quick. Maybe when they’re sleeping. It’s horrible to go out in pain and fear, and it ruins the taste of the meat.
Some sticklers for good manners require the use of a Cannibal Fork, but I say that if you’re desperate enough, any cutlery is fine. However, if you do have a cannibal fork – maybe you’re hiding out in a museum where they stock such a thing – you should probably use it.
Remember, Don’t Eat The Brain Meat! Some nasty diseases that can affect your sanity hang out there, so while it seems delicious and fatty, avoid it.
The Polite Way to Eat Intestines is to twine them around your Cannibal Fork like you would spaghetti, but that’s quite messy. Instead, if you have a mincer on hand, mince any scraps of flesh left over, stuff them into the intestinal skin, and cook like sausages. Imagine you’re eating a hot dog. That’s right, a delicious, delicious hot dog. Hmm.
Honour The Dead. They gave their lives and bodies so that you could live. Honour them and their sacrifice. When things are better, build some kind of memorial monument. Something tasteful.
Remember that you are just part of a Long and Glorious Tradition. People have been eating other people as religious ritual, for survival, and just because they fancy it, since time began. You are not a monstrous freak. You are normal.
Accept Your Turn with Grace and Maturity. If it becomes obvious that you are going to have to die to keep your community going, accept it with grace. Remember that a part of you will remain in them. Literally. Your sacrifice will be highly regarded and not forgotten.
Don’t forget to Use the Bones. They can be boiled down to make a nice soup stock or cracked open to get at the delicious, nutritious marrow. No waste! A person died to bring you this meal.
There. I hope that this guide has reassured you over the correct way to turn cannibal. I honestly hope you never have to use it.