Being selected by natural selection

By | June 13, 2011

Despite what some people think of him and his theories, Darwin was definitely onto something when he came up with natural selection. He was right, too—only those who’ve adapted enough to survive in a particular environment will, well, survive.

If you think about it, post-apocalyptic Earth will be natural selection come to life. People who can’t adapt to their new environment will die. Or they’ll be eaten by zombies, turned into vampires, or assimilated by aliens and/or evil robots. Either way, they won’t be around to share their lack of survival skills.

If you’ve managed to live long enough to get to the post apocalypse (meaning you didn’t die during the apocalypse itself), then you’ve got a leg up already. Congratulations, you’re one of the survivors. But don’t think this means things are going to get easier. Oh no, the hard part’s just begun.

Because now, you have to stay alive.

Good luck with that.

How can you make sure you get picked by natural selection and not by the zombie waiting outside your camp? Aside from the obvious, I really have no idea. (I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m probably not going to be picked by good ole natural selection. I always was picked last for things.)

So, let’s state the obvious. Here are some things you can do to (hopefully) increase your chances of staying alive:

  1. Move. When the initial whatever from the apocalypse dies down, don’t just sit there. Things don’t generally end well for sitting ducks.
  2. Get some weapons. You’re going to have to defend yourself, you know.
  3. Get some food, water, and supplies. Because eating is a good thing. So is staying hydrated. And a first aid kit could come in handy.
  4. Join a survivor group. There’s safety in numbers, right?
  5. Don’t be stupid. Seriously. Stupidity will likely equal death. Or being someone’s lunch.
  6. Use common sense. See #5.
  7. Don’t get eaten. There will be things out there that will want to eat you (and they might not be zombies. You’ve been to the zoo, right?)
  8. Stay as clean as possible. Just because the world’s ended, doesn’t mean you can throw personal hygiene out the window. Also, the dirtier you are, the higher your chances of being killed by a germ. So you survive the end of the world but get beaten by something you can’t see. How embarrassing would that be?
  9. Don’t make assumptions. Because they can get you killed.
  10. Don’t be That Guy. You know, The Annoying One, or The One Who Doesn’t Pull Their Weight, or The Creepy Insane One. Because you want your survivor group to help you survive, not toss you into the zombie camp.

I admit, this isn’t an exhaustive list. But it’ll (hopefully) offer some tips that can help you survive the post apocalypse. And if it does that, then you’re one step closer to getting picked by natural selection.

 

5 thoughts on “Being selected by natural selection

  1. James

    On 4, I’d say that you should look really carefully at any survivor group you join. If the group consists of Enititlement Whore Prom Queen, Frustrated Junior Officer Tyrant, Idiot Jock Who Never Shuts Up and Lazy Slob Who Never Pulls Their Weight then they’re more like a millstone round your neck than a help. Be ruthless in your selectiveness – you can’t afford to carry dead weight. (This also ties in with 10)
    Hygene is also useful in the case of trying to hide from people/animals. Someone who doesn’t wash stinks and you can pick them up 200 yds off if they’re upwind. Now think how far a pack of feral dogs could pick them up. On the other hand if you insist on looting scented soap/deodorants you’re going to smell just as strongly. Neutral is your friend.

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  2. Char Post author

    Good point on group selection, James. You have to make sure the group you join will actually increase your chances of staying alive.

    And yes, neutral scents. If the people in your group are allergic to your scent, then the bad guys will be able to hear the sneezing and sniffling, too.

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  3. Whisker

    Er… The Lazy Slob Who Never Pulls Their Weight (TLSWNPTW) actually can and/or will have useful roles during Zombie Apocalypse and after.

    How? Well, one very important thing after Z Day will be being in good shape and having done your cardio regularly. But odds are high that TLSWNPTW won’t be and won’t have.

    So one very important role TLSWNPTW should actually perform quite well will be the TOBSAOOBTY (=The One Being Slower And Out Of Breath Sooner Than You).
    Which in certain situations will directly lead to him taking the role of TOBEBTZHIOY (=The One Being Eaten By The Zombie Horde Instead Of You).

    Which in turn will assign you the (quite desirable) role of being TOTGAUALHEA (= The One That Gets Away Unharmed And Lives Happily Ever After).

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