Author: tavia.
[PAX East 2017] Survival Tip: Do That Thing You Hate – featuring Colina: Leagacy
Hate is a strong word. It’s also accurate enough when describing standing in line sober for something you’re not even sure you’re interested in. I’m cringing just thinking about it.
On the other hand, had Kae and I not thrown our hands up in the air and stood in the first line we saw we would never have tried the first person horror game Colina: Legacy. First, I’ve never heard of this game or this developer but they went big. They had a replica of the scary house from the game inside and out!
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Kae and I reluctantly get in this line and, surprise, it moves fairly quickly. We get to the front of the line and a guy explains to up that we can’t demo the game but we can check out their sweet set up… Ummm, okay.
We’re both feeling that our suspicions about lines sucking and what not are in the process of being confirmed (the theory can’t be confirmed until the process is complete and we walk away on to another task). Inside, we have to admit, that setup was amazing. It looked just like the game! The cups on the counter, the kitchen table, the fridge!
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About the fridge… One of the developers on site offered us some water. So sweet! But then he says, “It’s in the fridge; help yourself.” …Fear and anticipation. I’m IN a jump scare game right now and being asked to open a door?! Oh dead god. Hand on handle I brace myself and look for Kae to reassure me (she’s sitting at the counter with a headset on- I’ll remember that when SHTF). The Corlina (Chance 6) developer is looking on with an evil-tinged glee. He’s being helpful and generous (water at the convention was $3.50 a bottle)… or was he!? I pull the handle and nothing happens. It’s just a well lit cool fridge filled with bottled water.
“Thank you,” I say sheepishly then scuttle off to Kae’s side (Weird how she can find me by her side when she’s about to get terrorized).
Wait! I said the guy told us that we couldn’t play the game, we could only look around. That’s the kicker, literally as soon as we walk through the door the next developer greets us and asks if we want to try Colina: Legacy. Uh, yeah?
He explains that they have a fully booked schedule but if people leave early or show up late that leaves demo stations open for us walk-ins.
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So we waited in line only to jump the queue and get to try the game.
Was waiting in line for Colina: Legacy it worth this dreaded waiting in line nonsense?
Yes, because:
- Colina Legacy is a third person horror-puzzle game set at your grandma’s house. Your gran has the scariest house I’ve ever seen complete with writing on the walls in blood AND weird mystical secret messages.
- We got to play around one level and within minutes I was deeply engrossed in the story and the unique-but-familiar gameplay.
- The developers! They’re stoked on the game and they put some serious thought and effort into this introduction. Also, good people make you feel good about investing in their work.
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I’m watching and waiting in anticipation. Though I plan to wait for delivery rather than go to a store to find another line…
Your Government is in Control, America. [Preparedness Calendar 2017 from Ready.gov ]
As the saying goes: The Best Offense is a Good Defense. But Preparing a good defense can be a lot of work and planning. Where does one even start when threats and possible calamities lurk around every corner all day, every day? Start with a calendar. Specifically, start with the Ready.gov 2017 Preparedness Calendar.
Watch Out: A Boy and His Dog [1975]
A Boy and His Dog is one of my favorite movies with its cheeky mix of post-apocalyptic wasteland violence and 70’s… not to mention a “talking” dog. It’s not clear if the dog is actually talking, telepathically communicating with the boy, or if the boy is just imagining it. I’m pretty sure the dog is telepathic and chooses to only speak to the boy.
In the post-apocalyptic future of 2024, Vic and his telepathic dog, Blood, roam the wastelands hunting for food, water and females. When Vic is lured underground by a young girl, he finds himself separated from Blood and trapped in the anachronistic society of Topeka. The Leader tells Vic he is going to be the father of a new generation, but Vic soon learns instead of hooking him up with women, the Topekans are planning to hook him up to a machine. Meanwhile Blood is above ground waiting for his human partner to return and save him from dying.
The cycle begins with “Eggsucker,” which chronicles the early years of the association between fourteen‑year‑old loner Vic and his brilliant, telepathic dog. The saga continues and expands in “A Boy and His Dog,” in which Blood shows just how much smarter he is than Vic, and Vic shows how loyal he can be. The story continues in “Run, Spot, Run,” the first part of Ellison’s promised novel of the cycle, Blood’s a Rover. Here Vic and Blood find surprising new ways to get into trouble—but getting out of it may be beyond even their combined talents.
Watch Out: Primal [2010]
Primal is a movie I found accidentally. I can’t tell you what to look for if you want to find the genre because I don’t really understand what twists and turns brought me to a life where I have now not only watched this movie but I also want you to watch this movie.
Whoever you are, you should watch Primal. Not because it’s a “good movie” but because you should see it. Like 2001: A Space Odyssey … Yes, I’m saying I didn’t think that was a good movie but a movie worth seeing all the same.
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Make no mistake, these movies are not going to be in the same place in the theatrical history books.
Primal is a cautionary treasure trove to be studied and learned from. the acting is decent and the writing is really okay.
Watch Out: Lucy Garland Psychotic Bunny Makeup Tutorial
For some bizarre reason, Lucy Garland’s youtube channel only has about 100k subscribers. This is insane considering her talent and production level. Sure she mainly focuses on avant-garde drag queen recreations… Hopefully, you’ll take a gander at the gem below and realize this woman could be the edge you need to make your next Patient Zero costume.
Sure the bunny portion might not be for everyone, but the infected sickness version sure is.
Do you want to:
- Trick your mom into letting you stay home from school for a straight week?
- Win best costume without having to really make a costume?
- Convince the government you’re recording your last will and testament while dying in a hovel in the jungles of South America?
Watch Lucy Garland in the Psychotic Bunny makeup tutorial below:
Obviously, now you’re deeply interested in Lucy Garland’s talents. No one blames you.
If you’re a hard sell and need additional evidence of the amazing Aunty Entity (Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome) possibilities you can achieve with her guidance, here are some of her instagram gems:
Also, you’re welcome.
Let's make a Survival Skills Checklist!
Why should we bother making Survival Skills Checklist?!
Being a survivor is about luck and preparation in varying measures. While it’s not possible to ensure luck when it comes to not being the victim or an apocalypse, it is possible to prepare in case of suck luck. Or, best case scenario, it’s possible to prepare to a point where the proportion of luck required for survival is significantly reduced.
Movies, TV, Books, Comic Books, and Video Games show a number of characters who display what seems to be an unreasonable skill set in the most necessary of situations. How can an actual, non-designed human who lives, in reality, reduce the amount of luck required and increase their added value in almost any situation? Make a plan and prepare.
Based on (very little) experience, reviewing copious materials (watching Netflix and playing Video Games), and surveying experts (Google search for “list of skills”) here is a Survival Skills Checklist that shouldn’t take a lifetime to learn and the logic to motivate exploring them.
This Survival Skills Checklist will be updated as posts specific to each skill are posted to expand on each topic with resources, insights, and more.
Halloween is hard for non-humans
You know how in movies or TV shows the main cast will head to a haunted house or hayride and surprise surprise there are actually dead bodies masquerading as dead bodies?
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Hate when that happens.
But I suppose dead bodies being actual is a better surprise than zombies really trying to eat my flesh.
I already hate answering my front door because of the fact that there’s a waiting human interaction. Imagine the horror (literally and social-emotional) when I have to figure out that to say to someone who not only doesn’t want my candy but also wants to come in and eat my flesh! Ugh. It’s hard enough trying to get rid of the Kirby vacuum people and they understand language.
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Do I still need to be polite to real monsters on Halloween or does self preservation and my desire to only interact with real humans reign supreme? Is that racist?
Sorry monsters and zombies, but I won’t stock up on flesh though you’re welcome to candy, just like everyone else. And, human or not, if you try to get handsy or across the threshold you may end up decorating a local haunted house.
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Everyday Survival: Going to Work
Going to work is, on the surface, a straightforward and simple task. Unfortunately people are often caught off guard by the simple perils of going to and being at work that they fail to prepare properly for.
So, lucky you, you’ve got a job. But now you’ve got to keep it and if possible improve it by way of financial compensation or upward mobility in the organization that give you said job. This is not as simple as simply showing up and doing your job. No, people have to see you and formulate opinions about you and that’s where everyday survival tips come in.
Everyday Survival: Going to Work
1. If you’re on time, you’re late; if you’re early, you’re on time.
No one care that you have a life outside of work or that traffic exists or that anything aside from you got to work in time to be set up and working before it’s time to punch in. It shows forethought and self-management and give you the time to put yourself and your thoughts in order so as not to just jump in a react. That’s how dogs get skunked and bouncers get punched. Take you time to show up, assess the situation and your place in it, an then join in.
Leave early – Earlier than you think you need to. Give yourself at least a half-hour of early time because you’re better off tweeting in the parking lot for 20 minutes than running in out of breath just 5 minutes late.
2. You stink.
As a human, you likely sweat and it probably smells. If you’re a lady, you’ve got lady parts and those sweat and smell sometimes too – sorry dudes, it’s just a part of life, like this “ball sweat” I’ve heard about. No one wants to smell your stink. I mean, we’ve all had some epic long weekends in our twenties where we woke up on the couch and wondered what that smell was only to find out it was us. Maybe your face, under arms, or private parts.
It’s biology and it’s nothing to worry about. However it it something to be aware of and in control of. People notice smells and they’re distracting. so distracting they make you seems less intelligent – Why would I trust your opinion on sales strategies if you can’t even wash yourself properly?
Keep a stash of toiletries in your car or bag. Deodorant, mouth wash, floss, tiny disposable toothbrushes, wet wipes, feminine hygiene products – including scented liners and summer’s eve wipes.
Notice the lack of “perfume” and “cologne”? That’s because those things stink and make people gag or get migraines and make you smell like you have human stink that hiding under chemical-flower stink. Don’t try to mask your funk, fix it.
Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. When you’re going to work, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Don’t put off car maintenance. Don’t try to squeeze in a coffee before the train instead of getting it in the city once you arrive. Don’t assume they’ll clear the snow enough for their to be a reasonable number of parking spaces. Don’t trust that capable of wearing white and eating food and drinking coffee before a big meeting without an incident.
Don’t go to work everyday under the assumption that because you have a job today you still will tomorrow. They may like you but business isn’t about feelings and if you don’t prepare for the worst and preempt issues like missing handouts, double booked conference rooms, skipping lunch, having a headache, then you’re not being realistic and you should be saving up for unemployment.
4. You’re not that pretty without makeup.
Sorry, ladies but in the real world, we don’t live in a Dove campaign. On the other hand it’s not YouTube beauty guru land either. If you have a meeting, complete with a meeting maker and someone who outranks you, put on a little makeup. It sucks but it’s true.
Women are expected to wear enough makeup to look naturally fresh-faced and healthy. Mascara, BB Cream, blush and lip gloss are all it takes to look like you give a shit. Just like men should know when buttons all the way down a shirt and a tie are appropriate, women should know when people want to look at a filtered version of their faces.
Keep those four basics on hand at all times so you can always run to the bathroom and quickly put on a face people want to see. Guys, maybe keep a shirt and tie handy (but for God’s sake, don’t let it get wrinkled).
5. Assume you’ll be stuck here.
This is where my crazy, paranoid, apocalypse fever dreams come in. Look at your car and think about what you’d need if you were on a major highway and traffic just stopped for hours. Do you have what you need?
More than half a tank of gas at all times?
A bottle of water that’s not frozen solid?
Your toiletries so you can show up without looking like you’ve been in traffic for hours?
An emergency car kit?
Your insurance information?
Self-defense skills?
Something to kill a zombie with?
A good playlist and or data plan?
A hair tie in case you get hot?
Your boss’ phone number?
Sneakers in case you need to walk/run?
A healthy imagination?
What do you consider a necessity for every day survival when you’re going to work? Nothing? Other things? Something I over looked?
5 Video Game Futures That Could Be Awesome
Sometimes the present is boring and the future takes too long to get here. No hover cars, no robots, not a single alien.
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In video games we get to see the possibilities for the future good, but mostly bad. But I don’t think the bad is really all that bad. If you look from the right angle, some of these video game futures are kind of awesome.
1. Borderlands
If you’re a psycho or a bandit in the Borderlands future your life expectancy is probably not very promising.
However the Borderlands future is an entrepreneur’s dream. From magic powers to treasure chests everywhere you turn, it’s a wondrous place for those with plans and ambition. Would you like to run a bar like Moxie? Maybe have an army of brutes like Handsome Jack? Or, maybe you’d like to start a simple minion operation like Claptrap? It’s all possible!
Sir Hammerlock is an anthropologist of sorts and even though he’s lost a limb or two, he’s having a ball. Of course there’s a constant threat of death an destruction and the wildlife is out to get you, but that just spices up life on Pandora.
What’s the fun in just safely walking from point A to Point B with no threat of being stomped or devoured?!
2. Mass Effect
Ignoring the very end, Mass Effect was a damn good future while it lasted. Unless you were sick or enslaved or from a place that got invaded while no one was watching…
But! for people who live in the Citadel or on Commander Shepard’s ship life is pretty fun. There are so many different aliens to mingle with. Different planets are waiting to be mined for resources or treasure. There are bazaars for buying, discos for dancing, and beautiful views every which way you turn. And every time you want to go somewhere, you get to hop on a space ship.
Maybe (likely) a big draw for the Mass Effect future are the characters in it.
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Mordin, Garraus, Harrot… Any future that produces people like that, must be a wonderful place… aside from the constant threat of interstellar destruction.
3. Halo
Sure, life on the ground might be a bit chaotic with all the indiscriminate killing and various types of grenades being thrown at the suicide grunts and highly explosive vehicles but Spartans don’t live on the ground. Hopefully no one lives on the ground considering it’s pretty much razed except for the beautiful and indestructible buildings.
Oh and how beautiful are the buildings?! If there’s a dystopian, post-apocalyptic place to be stranded, one of the Halo colonies would be perfect. If there aren’t any Spartans or Flood or Covenant or other type of weapon-wielding juggernaut around, you could make yourself quite comfortable in one of the many abandoned buildings.
Hell, even if there are killer factions around, there are piles of weapons caches as well to help you defend your turf. Most buildings also have some kind of anti-air weaponry waiting to help keep your city beautiful.
4. Resident Evil
Very few people will agree with this one because it seems like Alice is the only person who survives this future without being controlled by robot spiders or locked in a coma pod. …Actually Alice might have died and been a clone or two a few times.
All that aside– and also ignoring the the fact that the zombies in this future are psychotic, monstrous beasts– notice that the zombie populations in the Resident Evil future are in massive hordes. Massive as in the entire population of California is gathering around this one building. That means everywhere else in California is empty and worry free.
Alice is a badass but she have a 50/50 save to loss ratio for her party member (at best). If your goal is to survive, avoid Alice.
Find a comfortable place outside a city to cal home and wait for whoever is fighting in this chapter to drop some bombs on the horde and know it’s not your problem. The skies (except in the one chapter there seemed to be vicious bird things…) are clear and the air is safe to breath.The pollution is no worse than it’s been and no one interrupts your shows to tell you a celebrity is having a baby. Even the bandits have to work hard to earn their keep.
5. Dead Rising
In Dead Rising 2 the zombie threat is mostly under control.
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Under control to the point where zombies are used in entertainment.
People choose to group up around zombies to watch them get their comeuppance. The uprising was quelled and now, instead of cleanly ridding society of zombies, zombies are props and the virus is a controllable condition. This sounds so great!
Maybe zombies feel pain, maybe they don’t but using them for violent entertainment is a bit barbaric. No worries, there’s even a group of activists that fight against that part.
All that nonsense aside, this is a future where you can find work on a zombie clean up crew, the malls are open, and the zombie virus can be kept at bay with pills. A boring lunch time walk requires a solid bat, just in case.If you’re spending a day at the beach, you pack sunscreen, towels, and a crowbar!
Who doesn’t want a world that’s mainly organized but has a bit of extra spice to kick things up a notch?
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