Apologies again for falling off the planet these past couple weeks. Things have been happening that have affected my ability to write (well, more like my ability to stay awake long enough to write). I’ll probably tell y’all about it someday. Maybe.
Anyway. Back to the apocalypse. I’m convinced we’re going to put ourselves in some sort of apocalyptic situation sooner rather than later (I’m rather fond of the we’ll-blow-ourselves-up theory), so I’m starting to focus on all the little trivial things more than I used to.
For example! What will we drink during the apocalypse and the post-apocalypse? Worst case scenarios usually revolve around a lack of water. But, you know, human beings need liquids and all that to survive. So without water, what will we drink?
What about beer? We talk a lot about rum and moisturizer, so it’s not too farfetched to think that some of us would drink beer. (Um, right?)
Specifically, this beer:
Of course, this beer would be AWESOME during an actual zombie apocalypse, but it’ll probably still be okay during the robot apocalypse or the evil space pirate monkey apocalypse. Or a Borg invasion.
Well, okay, maybe not the Borg. But you know what I mean.
On another note, does anyone know if there’s a zombie apocalypse rum available? Because that would be full of awesome.
Yes, I DO spend all my time online, why do you ask?
Anyway, thanks to Tumblr, I discovered Lost Zombies, the social network for the zombie apocalypse. It’s basically a gigantic community for creating a massive zombocalypse documentary.
It is somewhat possible that computer games have given us an artificial idea of how it will be to live in a post-apocalyptic world. For a start, I sincerely doubt that 200 years post-event, there’ll still be pre-packaged snacks and good-condition guns hanging around. In fact, it’s likely those things will vanish pretty quickly.
Which is why instructables is a site you should be reading before the power goes off forever. Why? Because it has all sorts of tricks which will help make your post-apoc life a little easier.
In this post, I round up some of the best. Continue reading “how instructables can help you survive”
I’m watching Resident Evil: Retribution (That’s 5 for the uninitiated) and one of the Michelle Rodriguez characters is all sweet and innocent and doesn’t know how to hold a gun. So eventually bad ass Alice around again and teaches her to shoot a 30 second tutorial and gives her a child to protect.
HUWAT?! Do you give a shit of this child lives?
Not the point. The point is M.Rodz immediately looks around and says, “Over there looks like a good place to hide.”
Right, home girl? There are zombies on motorcycles using rocket launchers and someone it thinking straight. This blaze of glory shit is not for everyone. Sometime Plan A needs to be protect ya neck. This is also my major issue with video games when I have a team. Sure I’m playing as Whoever TheFuck, The Unfuckwithable, but if Jill Valentine is hunting me, the last thing I’ll be doing is waiting in the street to confront the bitch. That goes for double sure if I’ve got Leon S. Kennedy, Ada Wong, or Luther West fighting “alongside me.” Ya’ll handle that, I’ll loot these crates. Let’s play to our strengths.
Sometimes when I play Halo with friends, my goal is to not have the last death. Or the most deaths. Or the lowest Kill-Death ratio (I usually fail epically at this one). Or at least not all of those things in one game. My goal is to survive pretty well. Well enough that I don’t cost us the game. I don’t call it the “crouch button,” I call it the “hide button” because that’s what I use it for.
[I’m always tempted to do the same thing when I’m with NPCs but that never works. It’s like they’re not using real bullets… Which is why I equip turrets and spam grenades.]
And in real life I’ma crouch in a corner no matter how much faith Alice has in me. Why? Because as soon as shit got rough and M. Rodz tried to use that gun she got tossed to the side to death like a chump. Lesson learned.
I work in Boston’s Back Bay-Copley area. I had lunch with my bestie at Copley square last week and that spot between the two bombs is where you can usually find some great food trucks. Sugar Heaven, that candy store next to Marathon Sports where all the blood is staining the sidewalk, is where I bought my co-workers candy because they helped me prep and score my sweet new job.
All of that is now part of an active crime-murder-terrorism situation. And when the tape comes down and the stores reopen it’ll still be a crime-murder-terrorism situation. There’ll probably be a memorial– first ad hoc then something more permanent like a placard in the cobblestones.
Everyone has great things to say about the strength and resilience of Boston and its citizens. I’m more than inclined to believe them. Boston’s fucking awesome. “Masshole” is a term of endearment for us. Collectively, we’re unfuckwithable.
I on the other hand, I’m paranoid and scared and sad and don’t want to (also I can’t because it’s a crime scene still) go north of my office building. Not sleeping, eating, feeling safe.
All this time play-planning for survival and apocalypse and I’ve spend most of this week with no idea what to do or say or think. I even wore shoes one day that I could not have walked for miles in!
So… I need shoes I can wear to work and run from danger in.
I need to resume never watching the news because I was right about it being horrible and awful.
I need to exercise because science says it lifts your mood and prevents you from being got in a situation that requires strength and endurance. I need to make a habit of eating and sleeping and doing normal things because one day I’ll wake up and Boston will be a normal place to be again.
In the past, I have made a big deal about how in the post apocalypse, I WILL be a benevolent dictator in control of a large, well run compound. Some of you seem to seem to think I might be joking about this.
Oh, no, sugarbuns. I fully intend to be a dictator. I’m already spoiled, petty and quick to anger – dictatorship should be a cinch.
I can’t tell you HOW to build your compound – it requires a combination of charm, talent, leadership abilities, organisation and a basic, borderline sociopathic disrespect for the rights, opinions and feelings of other people that I just don;t think you can learn. But, I can give you some ideas about how to maintain your iron control once you have it. After all, you don’t want to screw up so bad they murder you, do you?
Zombies are boring now. They’ve been done. Old news. I am no longer afraid of a zombie apocalypse, because everyone has a plan. Not only will we survive it, we’ll crush it.
Zombies have already said everything they, as a horror monster, say about our fears and our culture – our panic about communicable infection, our overwhelming terror about the slow, creeping inevitability of death. Or have they? Continue reading “The changing face of zombies.”
So you’re a survival camp dictatortyrant leader. Congrats! You’ve got a bunch of people looking to you to keep them alive (no pressure or anything). Of course, now you have to lead them in a way that not only keeps them safe, but keeps them happy.
Because, you know, unhappy campers usually means a leader doesn’t last long. Especially in the post-apocalypse, where I’d imagine life could be very dog-eat-dog, and if you’re not up to par, they’ll toss you to the zombies and put someone else in the leader’s chair.
Here are 10 ways to ensure your survival camp followers toss you over the wall to be zombie food:
Micromanage. Manage every detail. Make sure you’ve got your hand in every pie.
Be a helicopter supervisor. In the event that you decide to delegate and assign “regional leaders” (or whatever you want to call them), be a helicopter supervisor. You’ve heard of helicopter parents, right? You know, the ones who hover and keep an eye on their kids from birth until they’re forty? Do the same, only with your subordinate leaders. Only give them the semblance of authority and independence for their region of the camp.
Ask for suggestions and recommendations, and then tell people their ideas are stupid and you’re going to go with your idea anyway. See #1 and #2 above.
Only implement your ideas, even if you have no idea your idea will actually work. See #3 above. And yes, only use your ideas even if you’ve never tested them out or only used them in a small part of your camp. I mean, if your new perimeter search plan works in your quadrant (say, Quadrant C), it’s definitely going to work in Quadrant B, even though the Quadrant B leader has told you that he/she knows their quadrant and your plan just will not work for that part of the camp. Maybe there’s heavier zombie activity there (or whatever). If the leader disagrees with you and tries to point out your flaws, shut them down, and they yell at them in private later. Also tell them that you “will talk to people” to get you idea/plan put in place because you don’t need that subordinate messing with your grand plans.
Tell people their ideas are crap and that you disagree with them. All the time. Even interrupt them to say this.
Tell your subordinate leaders that you’re “a team” and you want to “work together with them to make the camp run smoothly and even grow” but make all decisions unilaterally. Because, as #3 and #4 indicate, only your ideas are good enough to put into practice. Even if those ideas will doom your camp.
Be offended if people give you pointers about how you could increase camp efficiency/supplies/wealth/whatever. Because you know best, you must be the best leader, so everyone else is an idiot.
Give in to your delusions of grandeur. Your subordinates hate you, but YOU WILL BECOME THE BIGGEST AND BEST SURVIVAL CAMP EVER. Because your delusions say so.
Tell your people they can’t loot. Instead, you will find SPONSORS. Because everyone out there will agree that your camp is the best and will grow to take over the world, they will just give you stuff. Of course, you’re not going to give them anything in return, and, in fact, you tell your subordinate leaders that they have no bartering budget. I mean, they’re going to be your sponsors.
Insist on monthly staff meetings, where you will tell your subordinate leaders that you’ve got LOTS of great ideas and that their ideas are all stupid, but they’re doing great jobs. But, you know, you know best. So they have to follow all your ideas and plans, even if they’re unpractical. And even though you don’t actually have direct contact with the “regular people.” I mean, did Caesar deal with the common people? Of course not. He had people to deal with the peasants. So do you.
In the midst of all this, make sure you share your plans of growing and expanding the survival camp so that it stretches across the old country (whatever country that happens to be). Tell people that they have to BELIEVE IN THE MISSION. Also tell people that others will give you stuff (ie food and supplies) (for nothing in return) because THEY BELIEVE IN THE MISSION too.
‘Set by Luke Walker is a horror novel with supernatural and apocalyptic elements.
Between Heaven and Hell, there is another world. To save her daughter’s soul, Emma Cooper will tear that world apart. After the loss of her baby, Emma Cooper feels as if she’s just going through the motions of her life. That’s until an angel and demon knock at her door with news dwarfing life and death. Emma’s daughter’s soul is trapped in a world of the dead, a world of permanent sunset. This is ‘Set and it’s to this world that Emma must travel after she is chosen by the celestial and infernal management. By working with Above and Below, she has a chance of helping her daughter and countless other souls move on from ‘Set. In this world, recently deceased George Bryson has declared war on Heaven and Hell. But this fight with his maker has opened doors he cannot close. The forgotten remnants of Creation are coming to consume all worlds. If Emma can’t stop Bryson’s war, her daughter will be lost forever. And so will everybody else.
Double special today: Not only was ‘Set provided to me free by Luke Walker, but Luke and I know each other from online. I do not intend this to bias my review, but it’s possible I will subconsciously treat this more kindly than a book from a stranger, so be aware. Continue reading “Review: 'Set, By Luke Walker.”