Review: The Book of the Crowman by Joseph D'Lacey

ThTheBookOfTheCrowman-144dpie Book of the Crowman

Series: The Black Dawn

Author: Joseph D’Lacey

Publisher: Angry Robot

Genre: Fantasy

Release date: March 2014

Blurb:

It is the Black Dawn, a time of environmental apocalypse, the earth wracked and dying.

It is the Bright Day, a time long generations hence, when a peace has descended across the world.

The search for the shadowy figure known only as the Crowman continues, as the Green Men prepare to rise up against the forces of the Ward.

The world has been condemned. Only Gordon Black and The Crowman can redeem it.

Continue reading “Review: The Book of the Crowman by Joseph D'Lacey”

Review: Black Feathers by Joseph D'Lacey

imageBlack Feathers

Series: The Black Dawn

Author: Joseph D’Lacey

Publisher: Angry Robot

Genre: Fantasy

Release date: April 2013

Blurb:

It is the Black Dawn, a time of environmental apocalypse, the earth wracked and dying.

It is the Bright Day, a time long generations hence, when a peace has descended across the world.

In each era, a child shall be chosen. Their task is to find a dark messiah known only as the Crowman. But is he our saviour – or the final incarnation of evil?

Continue reading “Review: Black Feathers by Joseph D'Lacey”

Review: Astral Tide

Astral_Tide_bettersizeJPGAstral Tide
Author: Anna Silver
Genre: YA/Dystopian
Publisher: Anna Silver
Release Date: February 25, 2012

Blurb:

London and her friends are fugitives in a reprocessed world where anything New is illegal. But as Otherborn, they’re different. They can dream and create, which hasn’t gone unnoticed. After fleeing Capital City with an assassin on their heels, the Otherborn found nothing went according to plan. Now, they are down by two and on the run in the Outroads, but the Tycoons keep mysteriously gaining on them. And seven months later, London is no closer to her promise to go back for Rye, if there is anything left to go back for. But Zen is teaching London that there may be more to her heart than the pieces she left behind, and London can’t help but feel guilty about not looking back since they fled New Eden. Should she hold on to hope that Rye is more than just a memory, or embrace a new life and love with Zen?

In their race to outrun their enemies, one thing is becoming increasingly clear: they can only run for so long. Eventually, they’ll have to face what waits when the road runs out. Eventually, their fates will catch up to them.

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Continue reading “Review: Astral Tide”

Review: The Woken Gods

The Woken Gods coverThe Woken Gods

Author: Gwenda Bond
Publisher: Strange Chemistry/Angry Robot
Genre: YA
Release Date: September 2013
Formats: Paperback and Ebook

Blurb:

Five years ago, the gods of ancient mythology awoke around the world.

This morning, Kyra Locke is late for school.

Seventeen-year-old Kyra lives in a transformed Washington, D.C., home to the embassies of divine pantheons and the mysterious Society of the Sun. But when rebellious Kyra encounters two trickster gods on her way back from school, one offering a threat and the other a warning, it turns out her life isn’t what it seems. She escapes with the aid of Osborne “Oz” Spencer, an intriguing Society field operative, only to discover that her scholar father has disappeared with a dangerous relic. The Society needs it, and they don’t care that she knows nothing about her father’s secrets.

Now Kyra must depend on her wits and the suspect help of scary gods, her estranged oracle mother, and, of course, Oz–whose first allegiance is to the Society. She has no choice if she’s going to recover the missing relic and save her father. And if she doesn’t? Well, that may just mean the end of the world as she knows it.

From the author of Blackwood comes a fresh, thrilling urban fantasy that will appeal to fans of Neil Gaiman, Cassandra Clare, and Rick Riordan.

Continue reading “Review: The Woken Gods”

Post-apocalypse new parenthood, revisited

A really, really long time ago, I wrote about having a baby and being a new parent in the post-apocalypse (and by extension, the apocalypse). In those posts, I had all sorts of fun tips about how to survive with a baby and all that during the fun post-apocalyptic period before things settle down into quaint dystopia.

I had a baby not too long ago, so everything is once again fresh in my mind.

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Therefore, I’m here to add one more tip about having a baby in the post-apocalypse:

Don’t do it.

Why? you might ask. After all, won’t we need to repopulate the planet after a good majority of the population are decimated by Asgardians/zombies/evil space monkeys?

Well, yeah, obviously we’ll have to rebuild. But seriously, don’t do it when the post-apocalypse is so fresh you can still see the fires burning over New York City. Wait until after things have settled and humans have all been enslaved/made to fight each other to the death on TV/turned into zombies.

Because otherwise, you will probably die. Your baby, too. And you wouldn’t want to be responsible for the death of a helpless tiny human who looks really cute, now do you? I thought not.

Continue reading “Post-apocalypse new parenthood, revisited”

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 13

Under_the_Dome_title_screen

Le disclaimer: This post contains spoilers about episode 13, the season finale, of Under the Dome (titled “Curtains”). Do NOT read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

First of all, HALLELUJAH this show is DONE. Time to celebrate!

Second of all, what the holy hell WAS that?! To the writers of this show, that was a terrible season finale. Terrible. I just…I can’t even… Did everyone go batshit?

So. The episode opens with the Baby Dome Posse, plus Carolyn and Linda, standing over the baby dome. Inside, the butterfly hatches. The Baby Dome Posse are all amazed because ZOMG this means that the monarch will be revealed!

Then the butterfly tries to get out, and each time it hits the baby dome, that part of the dome turns black. And THEN the big dome ALSO turns black. As in, completely opaque. It’s like midnight in there.

Linda’s really confused, because she has no freaking clue what’s going on (which seems to be her regular mindset, to be honest). Joe and Norrie tell her that they think the egg inside the baby dome is what’s powering the big dome. Which turns out to be a really stupid thing to do, because this is when Linda decides to grow a spine and is all “This is now POLICE property! DO NOT TOUCH!” Of course then she touches the dome, which promptly zaps her into unconsciousness. Because the dome’s protective like that.

But! Before she has her little nap, she calls for backup. Which is also a stupid thing to do, because now our resident psychotic megalomaniac, Big Jim, has just discovered where the egg is. (God, Linda, you are such a terrible judge of character. You worship Big Jim, who is seriously trying to be Lex Luthor or something, and you think Barbie’s the bad guy. Really?)

The three remaining members of the Baby Dome Posse take the dome and hide it while Linda’s passed out. (Remember, we last saw Angie with Julia. She wasn’t with the Posse.) Big Jim shows up at Ben’s house just as Linda’s waking up. Linda, giddy at having discovered that the baby dome is powering the big dome, tells Big Jim that this is their chance to bring down the dome. Big Jim, of course, is like, “Yeah, no, that’s not happening.” Because if the dome came down, he’d lose his corrupt kingdom and we CAN’T have that. Otherwise he’d have completely wasted his time at the Two Dimensional School for Wannabe Archvillains. All that tuition money…

While we’re on the subject of Big Jim, he’s annoyed that Barbie gave a not guilty plea when he was looking forward to burning him at the stake (or something). Big Jim tries some lame blackmail/threatening scheme, which Barbie basically laughs at. So Big Jim threw a temper tantrum and decided to build a gallows (or a scaffold, whatever you want to call it).

A GALLOWS. Because it’s the nineteenth century, yo.

Anyway. The Baby Dome Posse hide out in the cement factory (all traces of Maxine’s fight club thing are conveniently now gone). Joe broadcasts their location to Angie over the police radio, but he does it in a way that tells Big Jim nothing, which made me happy and Big Jim really pissed off. So Angie meets them there with Barbie and Julia in tow, and Junior of course tries to shoot Barbie. (Because shoot first, arrest later.) Julia tells the truth about who shot her (crazy jealous Maxine), but Junior doesn’t believe her. Because of course he doesn’t. Otherwise the episode would be a lot shorter. You know.

The Posse touches the baby dome, which promptly turns to dust and disintegrates. Convenient, that. In the midst of the dust, they find the butterfly. Sadly, it’s dead. But wait! No it isn’t! Because Norrie touches it and she apparently has super healing abilities! The butterfly flies off to Barbie, and Joe’s all smug in his I-told-you-so speech. Junior refuses to believe it, because Junior refuses to believe anything these days. The egg starts glowing and shaking (along with the factory) because I don’t know, maybe it’s mad that the Baby Dome Posse is too stupid to realize who the real monarch is.

Who is, apparently, Julia. She picks up the spasming egg, which immediately calms down because mommy!

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Then the butterfly flies over and lands on her hands. Ta-da! The monarch.

Junior, of course, refuses to believe it. Because he refuses to believe anything that doesn’t revolve around him. Or something.

Meanwhile, Big Jim has sent Linda to go look for the baby dome (she makes a good peon, that one). He comes across a gathering at the church and realizes that the residents are losing their shit because the dome’s now black and opaque. The residents are all, “OMG THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS!” and they’re convinced it’s the end times, though quite possibly without the Second Coming.

Aside: I thought the apocalypse was supposed to come with the four horsemen and the seven seals and all that? But hey, maybe the apocalypse has different rules in the dome.

Anyway. Big Jim decides he’s going to be the town’s reverend because why the hell not? He’s already the police chief, mayor, and judge (he’s not doing it out of guilt because he killed the previous reverend).

Over in Joe’s barn, Linda discovers the pink stars the Posse painted a few episodes ago. She radios Big Jim and tells him that the line “Pink stars are falling in lines” has been painted into the barn’s wall. And then Big Jim remembers his wife’s paintings from before she drove into a tree.

And then, megalomaniac that he is, he’s convinced that the dome is his DESTINY. Which he also tells Junior when Junior shows up to tell him that the Baby Dome Posse want to kill him. And then he tells Junior that he killed people to protect the town, because he’s altruistic like that. And Junior, for some random reason, has decided to actually care what Big Jim says and falls for the whole destiny crap Big Jim is spouting.

Also, Junior wanted to give the egg to his dad. The others, predictably, decide otherwise. Julia throws the egg to Angie, who takes off running. Barbie decides to distract Junior by tackling him WHEN HE IS HANDCUFFED. So obviously he’s going to get turned in to Big Jim. And if he isn’t, then we’d never get that shot that was shown in the previews, with Barbie standing by the noose. So you had to know this was coming.

In the woods, Norrie asks the egg what to do. A vision of her late mom, Alice, appears. Apparently, the people who built the dome have taken on the form of someone the Posse can relate to. (Or they’re lying and Alice is really an alien.) The dome was sent to protect them from something that will come at a later date (presumably this something will be a Very Bad Thing). To bring back the light, the Posse must protect the egg. If they fail to protect the egg, then DOOM. LOTS AND LOTS OF DOOM.

So Julia tosses the egg into the lake. Hey, that way, Big Jim can’t get it.

In the town square, Big Jim is getting ready to hang Barbie. But the egg is now protected, so it starts shooting pink stars — in lines — to the dome. The stars clear the blackness from the dome, making it bright. Like, radioactive explosion bright. Or staring-into-the-sun-while-in-space bright.

Basically, it’s really bright.

And Barbie’s still standing by the noose.

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Not in it.

And….that’s it.

Until next summer, that is.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 12

Under_the_Dome_title_screen Le disclaimer: This post contains spoilers about episode 12 of Under the Dome (titled “Exigent Circumstances”). Do not read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

Also, apologies for getting this post up so late. I had a hard time watching this without wanting to throw things at my TV, I was so pissed off at EVERYBODY IN IT. (There is seriously not a single likable character in this show. Not one.)

Okay, so in this episode, we discover that Big Jim went to school at the Two-Dimensional School for Wannabe Archvillains. Honestly, I don’t really care what else I’ve read online (mostly from the actors and the people behind the show itself), but THIS CHARACTER HAS NO LAYERS WHATSOEVER. He is made of two dimensions; aka, he is a flat character with no redeemable qualities. He has no motivations other than making sure he rules his little domed-in kingdom. Frankly, he seems to be a douche just because he can. All he’s missing is a mustache to twirl around while he’s killing people and otherwise making people’s lives hell.

Yes, I despise this character. I hope the dome zaps him and makes him go all splodey along the side of the dome. (Preferably with his insane son next to him.)

Ahem. Anyway. So Big Jim declares a state of emergency to capture Barbie (remember, BJ has turned Barbie into the murderous villain of the town because I don’t know, maybe it was lesson 2 at archvillain school or something). Linda, who is arguably the stupidest cop I’ve ever seen (in person, in film, or on television) is all, “I am NOT turning this town into a police state just because YOU want to make it one!” To which BJ replies, “It’s not me, it’s the PEOPLE who want it!” and Linda’s all “Well, okay then, if it’s the people.”

OMG Linda, your idiocy astounds. IT ASTOUNDS.

(If you haven’t already guessed, this entire episode is basically about Big Jim going on an evil villain power trip and Linda being a total moron and going along with it. That’s really the best way to sum up what went on.)

Junior has some weird moment where he actually cares about his dad, and goes off to warn Big Jim that someone will try to kill him. Big Jim’s all, “Psha, whatever. No one can kill me” and that’s that, basically. Big Jim goes off to continue his audition for the villain in a Marvel movie, and Junior decides he’s going to do his dad’s bidding. Which…I don’t even know. So Junior goes off to the clinic to “keep guard” over Julia because “Barbie might come back to finish the job” when we really know it’s because Big Jim needs to kill her to shut her up, because Barbie didn’t actually do any shooting.

Over at the radio station, Dodee overhears the military looking for the baby dome and its accompanying egg. And the military’s looking for Barbie because he’s got the “necessary expertise” for the egg. (I don’t know if that means he can disarm it or talk to it.

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Probably both, because Barbie’s the Marty Stu of the series.

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) Dodee suddenly remembers she saw the egg in Joe’s barn, even though last week she couldn’t remember a thing about the baby dome. How convenient that her dome-induced amnesia disappears now, because she runs off to tell Big Jim about what she heard AND to show him the picture of the dome egg.

Because, obviously, she is an idiot. How do these people not know that Big Jim is hazardous to their health?

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Seriously.

The Baby Dome Posse, meanwhile, are discussing Big Jim’s Ultimate Villain turnaround and his desire to kill Barbie. Joe is still convinced that Barbie is the monarch who will be crowned (when the butterfly emerges from its chrysalis because apparently the butterfly is like a timer). While they’re discussing this, Carolyn walks in and sees the baby dome and its egg.

And because she’s the cool mom, she tells Norrie to hide the egg because Big Jim and his henchmen are searching all the houses. Obviously, the egg can’t fall into Big Jim’s hands because he will probably find some way to corrupt it and/or break it. Because Big Jim’s like that. (Aside: Big Jim and the Henchmen would make an awesome band name.)

Joe and Norrie take the baby dome to Ben’s house, where they hide it under a massive pile of blankets. Maybe Ben likes to hoard quilts or something.

Meanwhile, Angie’s doing…something when Barbie finds her. He tells her the truth about the shootings and she believes him (FINALLY someone who shows even a lick of sense in this town). Barbie then tells Angie that Big Jim will try to kill Julia. Obviously, Big Jim can’t let his town savior facade crack, and if Julia starts talking about her shooting, that facade will crack faster than a dried mud mask (with or without cucumbers).

So Angie and Barbie go to the clinic to break Julia out. But! Big Jim has put Junior as a guard! Oh noes!

Yeah, Angie puts on the “woe is me, I’m so scared” girlfriend act and lures Junior away from the room, giving Barbie enough time to move Julia. Junior catches on when he kisses Angie and she tastes like cigarettes. Because I don’t know, I guess cigarettes = Barbie or something.

Anyway, Angie makes a break for it in the ambulance (Julia’s in the back) while Barbie turns himself in to Linda, who seems more and more like the village idiot.

But where’s Big Jim while all this is happening? At the radio station, listening to the military broadcast. It’s all going well for Dodee, until someone says they can’t go to Big Jim because they have evidence (footage, I think?) of him killing the reverend.

And that’s when you know Dodee’s about to be redshirted. I can’t really say I have any sympathy, because I thought she was pretty annoying.

Dodee figures out that Big Jim did all the killing. In a last-ditch plea for her life, she’s all, “I know where the egg is! I can help you! And you can make the dome go down!” And Big Jim, trying to be ominous, goes, “Oh, but the dome CAN’T come down.” Probably because if it does, he will no longer have minions or a domain to rule. And he’ll be all sad and pathetic and shit.

And then he shoots Dodee and sets the station on fire. And predictably implies that the blame lies with Barbie. And even more predictably, Linda (our village idiot) buys it.

Honestly, I don’t think Linda’s capable of thinking for herself.

Big Jim then goes off to Joe’s barn to find the egg. Carolyn tries to stop him from going into the barn, but he’s all, “MRAH *chest thumping* MRAH I RULE THIS TOWN,” shoves her aside, and goes in the barn.

Lo and behold, there’s no baby dome. So Big Jim’s all, “WHAT HOW CAN SOMETHING NOT GOING ACCORDING TO MY PLAN” and arrests Joe and Norrie because taking things out on kids is what you do while you’re having a tantrum. Duh.

So Joe and Norrie go to jail, and Big Jim does his intimidation thing. Joe looks intimidated, but Norrie’s more like, “Screw you, asshole” so Big Jim goes into her cell and threatens her. She is unimpressed. And remains unthreatened. (And we see further evidence that Joe is basically just a useless git who’s there because the baby dome needs four people to unlock it.)

Next, Big Jim goes to Barbie. Because if you can’t intimidate the kids, you intimidate the guy you’re trying to screw over. Or something. Big Jim threatens Barbie into making a full “confession” of the murders/shootings/blah blah blah by threatening Angie, Joe, Norrie, and Julia. Barbie’s like, “Fine, you win, I’ll confess in public. Just don’t hurt anyone!”

Right, right, of course Big Jim won’t hurt anyone.

Joe and Norrie are released and Linda follows them to their next destination. Why? Because Big Jim told her to (seriously, people, this woman is incapable of independent thought). Joe, Norrie, and Carolyn go to Ben’s, where the egg is losing its shit and screaming in a high pitched electronic voice. Linda follows them INSIDE BEN’S HOUSE and is like, “What is THAT?” (OMG Linda what is WRONG with you?!)

Julia wakes up and tells Angie who shot her (hint: not Barbie). It turns out Angie’s hidden her in a storage closet in the clinic, because she figures it would be the last place people will look for them. Sure, it’s a good assumption Big Jim’s already searched the clinic, but in this town, who the hell knows. Anyway, Julia tells Angie that they’ll kill Barbie (which we already figured would be the case, right?).

Big Jim brings Barbie out into the town square to do the public confession thing, but instead of confessing, Barbie says he’s not guilty. (And I shall imitate Nelson and say “HA HA” to Big Jim.)

And…somewhere by the dome’s edge, Junior touches the dome all by his lonesome. Because I don’t know.

We’ll find out what happens next on the season finale, which airs September 16. (Apparently it’s supposed to be a cliffhanger, so maybe we won’t find out much.)

Under the Dome airs on Mondays on CBS.

Review: Crux by Ramez Naam

Crux coverjpg
Crux 

Book 2 in the Nexus series

Author: Ramez Naam

Genre: Science Fiction

Publisher: Angry Robot

Release Date: August 27, 2013 (US/Canada), September 5, 2013 (UK)

Formats: Paperback and E-book

Blurb:

Six months have passed since the release of Nexus 5. The world is a different, more dangerous place.

In the USA, the freedom fighters of the Post-Human Liberation Front use Nexus to turn men and women into human time bombs aimed at the President and his allies.

The first blows in the war between human and posthuman have been struck.

GIANT FINE PRINT (yes, read this first): Crux is the sequel to Nexus. If you haven’t read Nexus, I highly recommend you do NOT read Crux. Why? Because this book picks up where Nexus left off, without stopping to explain what happened. It’s like getting on a one-way train made of nanites; it’s not going to circle around to explain how it got to your stop. It’s just going to keep going. And nothing around you is going to make a lick of sense. You wouldn’t want that, would you? I thought not. So if you haven’t read Nexus yet, stop right now and go read it. It’s a good book, so it’s not like it’s going to be a waste of time.

Also note: I will try VERY VERY HARD not to include spoilers.

What I Liked:

  • The characters. These guys are…well, they’re real. They’re flawed, they have layers, nothing is black and white. You know, they’re like real people.
  • This book goes at a pretty fast pace. I have the attention span of a goldfish, so fast pace is what I look for.
  • Once again, it’s got some thought-provoking scenarios that made me wonder how I would react if I were in that position. (If you’re wondering, my answers were always, “I have no freaking clue.”

What I Didn’t Like:

  • I have to wait a WHOLE YEAR to read book 3 in the series. See above re: attention span. It goes hand in hand with my patience (or lack thereof).
  • If you haven’t read Nexus, the first book in the series, you’ll likely end up wondering what’s going on with that random Nexus 5 drug.

My Thoughts:

It’s not a secret that I am a HUGE fan of Ramez Naam’s books. I reviewed the first book in the series, Nexus, on my own blog last year. This year, I’m spreading the love and posting it on ICoS first. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll recall the squeeing that came out of my brain through my fingers after I finished reading Nexus.

I’ll try to tone down the squeeing. I do know that not everyone will like this book. For me, it’s got pretty much everything I look for in a SF novel: science, gun fights, thought-provoking scenarios, explosions, characters that aren’t cookie cutter cut outs, spies, etc etc. Personally, I loved this book. YMMV.

Crux picks up a few months after Nexus ends — and it assumes that the reader knows what happened in the first book. If you haven’t read Nexus yet, you should. Where Nexus was the instigating action, Crux deals with the consequences of the release of the Nexus 5 drug. (Recap: it’s a liquid you drink that basically turns your brain into a computer, complete with apps. Also, it lets you talk to people telepathically. Basically, it’s pretty cool.)

And the consequences are fascinating. As with any emerging technology — or drug, or new anything, come to think about it — there will be people who will use it for good or for bad. Those who would use it for good can do amazing things with it. On the other hand, those who would use it for bad can do terrible, terrible things with it. This is not a new concept. Ramez Naam takes this idea and runs with it, but adds layers — instead of looking at the possibilities in terms of black and white, he adds motivations. Why would those who would use the Nexus 5 technology for bad want to go down that road? Why would people manipulate the drug for their own purposes? For those who would use it for good, what are their motives? Do they really want to use it for good?

This book sets up a war between humans (boring old us, just the way we are) and posthumans (those who are augmented by the Nexus 5 technology). And this setting really had me thinking. The reaction of the humans seem, for the most part, knee-jerk and violent. They want to get rid of the posthumans. The posthumans have all sorts of advantages that humans don’t, and babies are now being born with Nexus 5 in their brains. They don’t even have to take it as a drug. If there’s a whole generation of people who are augmented from birth, where does that leave the regular people? Will they be wiped out (you know, survival of the fittest and all that)? The humans, it seems, are running scared. And that is their big motivation, why they do the things they do.

When I look at it through that lens, I can see why the humans reacted the way they did. Would I react the same way? I honestly don’t know. I hope not, because the humans did some…unpleasant…things.

The posthumans, of course, are starting to fight back. Because obviously. They’re being threatened, so why wouldn’t they fight for their own survival? Of course, they’ve got the advantage, being augmented and all that. I can see the the upcoming war will be a fight for survival. It’ll be interesting to see who wins.

Now obviously, it’s not all rumination and navel-gazing. Don’t worry, there are still plenty of explosions, gun fights, people dying, etc. The good stuff that’s usually in a thriller. It’s all here! My favorite characters are back (I’m looking at  you, Feng), which make me happy.

I’m not gonna lie, I can’t wait to find out what happens. As you read your way through Crux, you know that there’ll be a war. And it’ll be unpleasant. Unfortunately for me, book 3 doesn’t come out until next year. NEXT YEAR, you guys. In September. (Granted, I’m highly unlikely to forget about book 3, but still. Boo.)

Overall, I really enjoyed this book. It had the right combination of science, thought-provoking human condition scenarios, and spies/gun fights/explosions. What’s not to like?

[rating:5/5]

Crux on Amazon.com

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 11

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Le disclaimer: This post contains spoilers about episode 11 of Under the Dome (titled “Speak of the Devil”). Do not read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

Wow. Okay. I didn’t think this show could possibly get any more WTF. I mean, remember back in the 90s when Days of Our Lives did that storyline where Marlena was possessed by the devil? (I realize I may have just tipped people off to my age, since I, you know, was old enough to watch that storyline and actually remember it, but whatevs.) Remember how people were all “WTF is that about?!” and were wondering how a show could possibly be that messed up?

Yeah, really, Under the Dome has a level of WTF that beats even the Possessed Marlena WTF. Especially since it’s going more in the soap opera direction rather than the sci-fi. (And I thought Stargate: Universe was a soap opera!)

So. Anyway. The episode opens with Joe and the Baby Dome Posse debating the meaning of the baby dome. (No double rainbows, though, unfortunately.) They decide to tell Julia because she touched the baby dome once and it didn’t electrocute her. So that must mean the dome trusts her. Or something.

So Joe goes off to find Julia to tell her about the baby dome being in his barn.

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When he gets to Julia’s house, he finds out that she’s been shot. What he doesn’t know is that Blonde Lady (you know, the drug queenpin) has shot her because JEALOUSY (or something). I have no idea if this is a “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN” thing she’s got going with Barbie, or if she’s just insane. Or both. (It’s probably both, with these people.)

Barbie gets Joe to drive the electric Prius (teehee, a Prius) to the hospital while he’s in the backseat applying pressure on Julia’s gunshot wound. He tried to get Linda to come, but Big Jim was in the station at the time for an interrogation and he managed to cast suspicion on Barbie’s character. Because drug enforcer and all. So Linda’s all, “Justice!” and shit and then her police cruiser runs out of gas on the way to Julia’s, so she carjacks Phil’s car.

When they get to Julia’s and all they see is the bloodstain, Linda’s like, “Barbie murdered Julia!” and Phil says, “Well, he did kill Peter Shumway…” So Linda’s all “Big Jim was right! Barbie IS a criminal! JUSTICE!” And I’m in my corner going, :facepalm:.

Anyway. Joe drives Barbie and Julia to the hospital (which used to be a clinic) and the nurse is busy because a tree fell on some dude. This is really just an opportunity to show off Barbie’s Marty Stu-ness, because he does some crazy doctoring shit that involves a pen and a plastic bag and *gasp!

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* saves Julia’s life!

Meanwhile, Junior’s left the Baby Dome Posse because he’s pissy that Angie won’t confess her undying love for him. (Dude. You kidnapped her and held her captive in a bunker. WHY WOULD SHE LOVE YOU? Clearly you didn’t hold her long enough for the Stockholm Syndrome to set in.) So he storms off and is basically, “I’m done with the dome. I won’t help you because if you won’t stay with me forever and ever THE DOME CAN NEVER LEAVE.”

Good to know he’s still batshit crazy.

Over at Big Jim’s neck of the woods, he’s off confronting Blonde Lady (aka Max I think) about shooting Julia. She replies with some threat about following her orders and then she won’t have to shoot anyone he cares about. He’s like, “But I’m single. There’s no one I care about.” Which of course is Junior’s cue to walk into the room. Because timing.

After Max leaves, Big Jim tells Junior to stay in the house and to not open the door unless it’s him, blah blah blah, Max is evil, blah blah blah, he’s going to settle this once and for all. So Big Jim takes off and leaves Junior at home. So of course Angie comes and convinces him to come back to the Baby Dome Posse to try to do whatever it is they’re going to do.

Max, all smug, is walking by the lake and discovers her mom’s body. Which pisses her off, obviously. So after Barbie and Big Jim finish their posturing, they go to the cement factory to take Max down, only she’s all pissed off and ends up holding them at gunpoint. (Oops.)

Of course, Barbie and Big Jim find a way to turn the tables because Marty Stu and Gangster! Once they’re outside, Big Jim shoots Max and her guard (WTF) and goes to shoot Barbie. Who, of course, disarms him and points the gun at him.

And that’s when Linda decides it’s a great time to pull into the cement factory. Because of course. So Big Jim’s all, “I’m the victim! He killed EVERYONE!” and Linda believes him, even though I have no idea why. So Barbie takes off and Linda shoots at him. She turns out to be a lousy shot because she unloads her entire clip and not a single one seems to even come close to hitting Barbie.

Back at Chester’s Mill, Big Jim visits the radio station and Dodee tells him about hearing the military say they identified Barbie inside the dome and that he’s the one they’ve been looking for.

That could mean any number of things, of course, but Big Jim decides it must mean bad and evil things. So he gets on the radio and tells the whole town that Barbie killed everybody and tried to kill him too. (OMG I hate Big Jim. He’s so slimy, like the used car salesman he is.

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Only he gives used car salesmen a terrible name.)

Anyway. The episode ends with the Baby Dome Posse touching the big dome. They have a collective vision, of Big Jim in a yellow shirt. Slowly, you see puncture wounds show up on his torso. The Posse is revealed to be holding bloody knives in the vision.

Junior goes off to find his dad, while the rest speculate that Big Jim needs to die — at their hands — for the dome to go down. And I feel like a terrible person for hoping that actually needs to happen because OMG I can’t even express how much I despise the Big Jim character. For serious.

Under the Dome airs on CBS on Monday nights.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 10

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Regular disclaimer: This recap contains spoilers about episode 10 of Under the Dome, titled “Let the Games Begin.” Do not read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

Okay, well, the good news is, there are only three episodes left. The bad news is…WTF. What was THAT about? The introduction of blackmailing Blonde Lady (I believe her name’s Max or something) just derailed a show that was already so far off the rails we were in the middle of the ocean somewhere where trains never go.

I just…ugh.

Anyway. So we start the episode at the baby dome, where Joe is doing some weird imitation of the Double Rainbow Guy because OMG THERE’S A CATERPILLAR IN IT!!! And — gasp! — it’s a yellow and brown caterpillar so it will turn into a monarch butterfly!!!!!! Dude, what does this mean??? (I have no idea. But you know, there’s that whole “the monarch will be crowned” thing from last week.)

So then Joe argues with the others about telling Julia, and we have a tell Julia-don’t tell Julia argument that ends with someone saying, “It doesn’t matter, we still need to find the FOURTH HAND for this thing!!!” Which apparently means someone else who’s had a seizure. Because I guess that’s the common denominator. Or something.

So they all trek off to find the fourth hand. Right after they leave, Dodee comes running in (where the hell was she hiding that nobody sees her?). So of course she touches the dome, because dome! Only it electrocutes her and shoots her across the barn (which was unexpected). She’s knocked out completely and comes to as Joe, Norrie, and Angie are wheeling her into the clinic (I guess they managed to get her off the barn floor, into a car, to the clinic, out of the car, and into a wheelchair without her waking up). Dodee can’t remember anything that happened, so Norrie tells her she got electrocuted on a generator. Um, okay.

Also, is it just me, or does the clinic look way bigger than it has in previous episodes?

Weird, right? And it only gets weirder…

So Barbie — he of the Marty Stu variety — and Big Jim — he of the slightly insane variety — work together to try to either bring down Blonde Lady or get her off their backs.

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I’m not sure which. Blonde Lady has a pile of illegal businesses (because of course she does), but she does have ONE legal business — a real estate company of some sort. And lo and behold, the company held onto one house on some island that’s conveniently inside the dome. So OF COURSE that’s where Blonde Lady must be hiding all her shit, right?

So Barbie and Big Jim plan to head out to the house to…break in. Or raid it. Or something. But then Blonde Lady shows up with a bizarre “shopping” (read: looting) list for Big Jim and orders Barbie to go with her somewhere. So Big Jim goes to the house by himself, and Barbie gets dragged to the cement factory, which has now been turned into some underground/black market entertainment complex.

And NO ONE noticed this?! Really?! Blonde Lady said she wasn’t “sitting idle” for the last week, but did the writers forget that the ENTIRE TOWN hid in the cement factory when that missile was coming?

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It certainly wasn’t being transformed into anything other than a giant panic room then.

And then of course Blonde Lady’s all, “I don’t care about anyone else’s survival, I only care about MYSELF.” So not only is she devious and shit, she’s also the most selfish person on this damn show. And holy hell this show has some selfish people.

Meanwhile, off in Idealistic Cop Land, Linda shows Julia the video with Duke meeting Blonde Lady with the propane. Then she finds a safety deposit box key in Duke’s old Sheriff’s hat, so Linda and Julia traipse off to the now-empty bank.

What do they find? A written confession about the Propane Plot! Which is, apparently, a plot to help the town NOT go broke. Which involved buying the propane (as the town), then selling the propane to Blonde Lady. In return, Blonde Lady kept all drugs out of Chester’s Mill. Reverend Lester laundered the money, and Big Jim was “the face of the propane” and sold the whole idea to the town.

Which…well, okay then.

After they find this, Julia decides to open her own safety deposit box, because of course she’s got one. In hers she finds her husband’s life insurance policy. For $1 million.

Right. Well, that’s unexpected.

Back to Big Jim. When we last left him, he was on his way to that island to check out that house that Blonde Lady’s company hasn’t sold yet. When he gets there, he finds a caretaker working for some dude named Oliver.

BUT. As it turns out, the caretaker is Blonde Lady’s mom, and Oliver doesn’t exist (at least I don’t think he does).

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BL’s Mom holds Big Jim at riflepoint (because THAT’S a good idea). Of course Big Jim gets the rifle away. So then Big Jim takes BL’s Mom on his boat back to Chester’s Mill. At some point BL’s Mom falls out of the boat (how convenient) and Big Jim leaves her in the lake to drown.

Ah, okay. THERE’S the Big Jim I know and love (to hate).

Of course, Blonde Lady has no idea her mother just drowned in a lake. She’s off at her fight club place, blackmailing Barbie into a fight.

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Barbie throws the fight (because of course he does) and Blonde Lady keeps trying to blackmail him. You know, what with the whole “What would Julia say if she knew you killed her husband?” angle. Barbie gets tired of it and walks away, leaving Blonde Lady dumbfounded. Either she didn’t expect that or no one’s ever told her no before (or possibly both).

And then Barbie goes back to Julia’s house and confesses to killing her husband. But Julia already knew, because she’d just found that her husband’s gun was gone (though all the bullets were still there). She explains the life insurance policy she found, and then she’s like, “I think he needed you to kill him for the life insurance. It would’ve been void if he’d committed suicide.”

Then it seems like she forgives Barbie. What.

And THEN. Just when you think the crazy ends there, we go back to the baby dome. Angie has managed to convince Junior to go with them — because Angie’s convinced that Junior is the fourth hand, since he had a seizure back in tenth grade. Not to mention his mom’s paintings. So Joe, Norrie, Angie, and Junior all touch the baby dome. The egg lights up and turns into a planetarium projector thing and shows them a sky full of pink stars.

Oh, and, that caterpillar is now a chrysalis.

Under the Dome airs on Mondays on CBS.