Arming the children

So last week, I talked about post-apocalypse gift ideas for children. Because, you know, Christmas is coming up, and I’m sure everyone has thought about buying gifts at some point in the last couple of weeks. Those who haven’t will think about it sometime soon, but probably not until Christmas Eve, because everybody knows that’s the best day to go Christmas shopping. Particularly at 4:57 p.m., but only if the store closes at 5:00. (Yes, I used to work retail. On Christmas Eve. And Boxing Day.)

Anyway. Torture of salespeople aside, let’s think about gift-giving in the post apocalypse. Well, let’s think about it again.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve given ideas about basic, and hopefully practical, gift ideas. What I haven’t really covered are the really important things. Like weapons (I’m not even going to touch food). I’d say you could give any of the weapons I’ll list here to your children. In fact, if you don’t want your kids to be hauling assault rifles around a post-apocalyptic landscape (I sure as hell don’t), these might be the great alternatives.

As always, I went straight to Amazon.com for my research. Why? Well, because for anyone to get these weapons post-apocalypse, they have to be available pre-apocalypse, so I had to find things that are available today. And because I’m a lazy bump on a log and going to Amazon was the easiest thing for me to do. Because, you know, you can find anything (plus a pet for it) on Amazon.

But, also as always, I should note that ICoS is neither endorsed nor sponsored by Amazon.com. (Sadly.)

One of the things I took away from my research was that if you want your child(ren) to survive post-apocalypse but don’t want them using guns or any gun-like weapon, the best thing to do today would be to turn them all into ninjas.

Because those ninjas, they have the COOLEST. WEAPONS. EVER. Also, they can walk around wearing black pajamas and nobody thinks they’re letting themselves go. There’s also the whole being deadly and stealthy thing. I’m sure that can come in handy.

Alrighty. Without further ado (and without further delving into my not-so-secret childhood dream of becoming a ninja), here are some general ideas about arming your children. And anyone else who doesn’t want to use a gun.

Weapon Idea #1: Become a Ninja

No, seriously. Ninjas are not only super cool, they’re also super deadly. (That is, if the ninja is properly trained.) They also get to use super nifty weapons. For example:

Wood-handled nunchakus. From Amazon.com

And

Ninja throwing stars with case. From Amazon.com

In case stars aren’t your thing, how about these?

Ninja throwing knives. From Amazon.com

Of course, these are also an option (best used on those days when you can’t find that one card you’ve been trying to find for the last decade or so):

Ninja throwing cards. From Amazon.com

If you’re not into card collecting, try these:

Ninja throwing spikes. From Amazon.com

Or this:

Katana. From Amazon.com

Or how about this?

Bo staff. From Amazon.com

See? Not only can your child be a ninja and kick ass in the post apocalypse, they can also be a Ninja Turtle. And what kid doesn’t want to be a Ninja Turtle? Exactly.

Weapon Idea #2: Go Medieval

Obviously, armies of the Wayback When Age didn’t have access to all the fun guns we have today. But did they let that stop them? Oh, no. The lack of automatic weapons and RPG launchers didn’t stop our ancestors from stealing each other’s territory, food, and women. And if it worked for them back then, it can work for us again. You know, for when the world looks like it did five hundred or a thousand years ago.

Not quite sure what kind of medieval weapons you can get for your kids today? Well, what about this?

Medieval spiked flail. From Amazon.com

Or this? (Best for kids who like medieval Britain. And Vikings.)

Throwing axe. From Amazon.com

While not necessarily medieval, this was historical (it can also be used during gym class as a javelin. See? Not only is it a weapon, it can also be used for exercise):

Spear. From Amazon.com

If your child is into rhythmic gymnastics, this could be a substitute for those ribbons:

Chain Blade Whip. From Amazon.com

Weapon Idea #3: Go Cultural

A lot of cultures have relied on weapons that aren’t anywhere close to gun-like. They get by, and, in fact, thrive. So why not take a page from their books?

Why not try this?

War club. From Amazon.com

Or this? (Best for kids who don’t walk as fast, or who can’t/won’t run.)

Walking stick. From Amazon.com

Or, if you’d prefer a weapon with longer range capabilities, how about this? (After all, not everyone wants their kids to be in hand-to-hand combat.)

Blowgun. From Amazon.com

Weapon Idea #4: Multi-Use Weapons

You may not have a lot of space in your survival camp, so you may not want to get your kids a pile of weapons that will just end up gathering dust in the corner of your tent. So why not get them weapons that can also double as something else? That way they can still protect themselves, and you’re not tripping over that set of throwing stars your kid keeps misplacing.

For example, everyone still needs to brush their hair:

Dagger brush. From Amazon.com

Hats will still be handy, especially under that bright, even-hotter-than-today sun. (And kids will hopefully be less likely to lose their hats.)

Slap hat. From Amazon.com

We’ll still need wrenches (and other tools). After all, we’ll be rebuilding civilization. So maybe grab one of these:

Defense wrench. From Amazon.com

The post apocalypse might get hot, so you’ll probably need a fan or something to stay cool. Why not consider this?

Iron fan. From Amazon.com

You (and/or your child) might need to climb taller structures. This might come in handy:

Rope dart. From Amazon.com

Of course, you could also just make a steel frisbee–a toy AND a weapon! And if you make it big enough, it could also be a shield.

Don’t forget frying pans; they also make deadly weapons. I recommend cast iron for a multipurpose set. If you can’t get cast iron, go for the heaviest stainless steel set you can find.

Naturally, this list isn’t exhaustive. There are other options out there–maybe you’ve even found a few. But if you haven’t, this will help get you started.

And if all else fails, become a Klingon:

Klingon Bat'leth. From Amazon.com

I don’t know about your kids, but mine would LOVE to get their hands on some of these. (And to be perfectly honest, so would I…)

And on that note, I’m off to borrow my brother’s nunchakus.

 

char

I'm Canadian, which according to movies and TV means I'm part of the group that's almost always wiped out during the apocalypse. I’ve watched too much Star Trek and Stargate over the years and spend too much time at my computer. Now, I'm waiting for the arrival of (and human enslavement by) the Borg or the Goa'uld. That is, if my computer doesn’t swallow me first.

9 Replies to “Arming the children

  1. Hm… seems that Hongkiat.com (whoever they are) don’t like you very much. Can’t see any weapons…

    But here’s an idea: go English (or possibly Welsh). Get your child a longbow! As well as a devastatingly effective mediaeval weapon of war, it’s also an extremely useful hunting tool. And they’ll be at just the age to start building up those all important arm and back muscles to the point where they can use the adult version, which virtually no one alive has the right physique to use these days – because they didn’t spend their entire childhoods practising.

    (sure, a compound bow eliminates the need for childhood training, but how long can you keep it in good working order after civilisation falls?)

    This does rather depend on there still being trees after the apocalypse, of course…

    1. That was me. I seemed to have disabled, instead of hotlinking,internal linking… I was poking around in the back and then commuted for an hour… oops. Weapons are back. I should leave the .htacess file alone for now.

      The Longbow is great idea though. I like that it gives them distance and experience all at once.

  2. You could also go Dennis the Menace/Bart Simpson and get your kid a slingshot. No fancy ammo necessary, since there’ll be plenty lying around.

    You could go Biblical and have your kid learn how to use a sling. The advantage of a sling over a slingshot is that since slings are made from non-elastic materials there’s not the risk of a band breaking/wearing out and snapping during a shot and sending the ammo back into the shooter’s face.

    Slings can be made of polyester, which doesn’t rot.

    Plus there’s the fun of writing taunting insults on the stones you use!

    Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sling_(weapon) and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slingshot

  3. At the age of seven, I was given a longbow, and training on how to use it. I also received brief instruction on uses of slingshots and trebuchets. This type of post fascinates me, being of a rather strong interest in military history and archaic weaponry.

    1. I’m also interested in military history and weaponry (well, weaponry from any era, really). My dad got me started with military history when I was in elementary school.

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