5 Apocalyptic Lessons to Learn From TV

Art imitates life or Life imitates art depending on how you choose to live. No living person has been able to explore the depths of apocalyptic life the way television has– and we could learn a few lessons.

From the human on human violence of 28 Days Later to the choices made in The Walking Dead, we could learn a thing or two about some of the choices we might have to make in a post-apocalyptic world.

1. If your security monitors go fuzzy and then come back showing nothing wrong, you should check it out.

The easiest way to fool the security guards watching the monitors it to play an infinite loop of a tranquil scene. It works every time –as long as no one moves like that bitch in Speed.

But if you’re the goon watching the monitor and the monitor goes fuzzy for a second and comes back you need to check that shit out. You’re being fooled. This is no longer a live feed and they are in your base killing your dudes!

2. The New Guy is a liability

Often an established party is trudging along, getting by and then the new guy comes and everything goes to hell. Maybe the new guy is a nice guy, but he still breeds mistrust. Maybe the new guy is bad news and he’s picking your people off one by one.

The fact is the new guy is always getting into the mix and destroying an already tenuous balance. Rick Grimes did it on The Walking Dead. Sure he became the leader but not without more than a little sacrifice.

3. Women in distress in the middle of the road should be left for dead.

Sure we want to be helpful and do unto others but there has never been a movie or TV show where the protagonist encounters a woman in distress who wasn’t either a big faker who was actually bait or some other horrible waste of time.

I’m sorry but as a woman, I’m not going to flag down any ole anybody for help. You could be a super rapist slave trader. Maybe run for my life, but drawing new attention isn’t smart.

Also, as a woman, I’ve watched my fair share of lifetime movies and I know you can’t trust some women with power, influence, and most especially your life.

4. Children are really good at hiding.

If you can’t be child-sized you should probably practice hiding with a child. See what they do. Once you rule out dumb stuff like Under The Bed and In The Closest, you’ll discover places like, in the compost bin and under the sink!

Children are creative but also have great instincts for self-preservation. If you’re a grown up being chased by a grown up then you’re both going to think like grown ups when looking for a place to hide. Think like a kid.

Also, if you know you’re going to get captured, give that important object to a kid so when they hide and don’t get caught it’s still safe. But tell them not to remove it from their person, because they’ll just lose it. Kids are forgetful.

5. Hysterical women are a nuisance; hysterical men area  danger

A scared woman will make a lot of noise require a lot of attention. It’ll be annoying and if you’re lucky you’ll be able to crush up some Tylenol PM and calm her hysterical ass down.

A hysterical man on the other had is like a bull in a china shop. They don’t just fall apart their hysteria blooms like an atom bomb. They need to Do Something about their feels. They need to see results NOW!

Hysteria devolves into shouty rage and shoving and threats of getting things done and the POW BANG BOOM.

tavia.

My parents let me watch and read way too much science fiction and fantasy when I was a child. Now that I'm grown, I'm bored and I can't wait for SkyNet to awaken or the super-virus to cull the human population. I'll be safe because I've learned to reason with robots from Data and the Terminator franchise... and I eat gummy vitamins by the fist-full.

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