Way too often I see games, movies, tv shows and whatever else where people are trudging through the zombie apocalypse and, surprise, they get bit on the calf or ankle. Duh! Cover your calves and ankles and this problem disappears.
See, when people die they fall down. On the ground. Around that area where your feet are… That area you’re not usually looking in when you’re walking forward. I see some of the best shooters and fighters kicking through knee-high weeds and then ARRGGGH somethings got their leg like a shark attack.
Seriously though, I can’t feel bad for you if you see a bun of zombies crawling and laying around and you don’t think to protect your most vulnerable parts. You don’t even need combat boots or women’s boots (though women have no excuse for not covering their calves and ankles with boots). Rain boots, though your feet will stink in like six minutes, are perfect. Can you bite through rubber? I can’t.
And you know what the first suggestion will be? Cut the leg off! This may or may not work. Sometime it does, sometime it doesn’t (even in the same fictional universe in some cases). But even if it does, you’ll be hobbled and they’ll be whispering about not wanting to take care of you or how you’ll slow everyone down. This is all the best case scenario where you actually survive the bite and amputation. Because there’s the slow descent into infection and death from either the bite or the amateur doctoring.
Your calves and ankles don’t need to be covered with some indestructible, adamantium-type shit. What’s important is, can’t it be easily torn or bitten through? If no, you’re good. Also important, can you comfortably flee from not only shambling corpses but also fully ambulatory, aggressive humans.
TLDR: Cover Your Calves and Ankles
1. Dead people fall down; living people look up. You can’t change this, just deal with it.
2. Getting bit on the leg is a dumb way to die. Even if they try to save you, you’re dead-ish. They’ll laugh when they tell your story as a cautionary tale to children.
3. Most any boot will do because most people can’t bite through boots. (Also, animals are less likely to hurt you if they have an extra layer or leather or soccer shin guards to get through.)
4. Don’t cover your calves and ankles to the detriment of your mobility. There’s no point in just being safe from the crawlers if you can’t dodge the walkers or out run the humans.
I feel like mentioning that this review has spoilers is the right thing to do, but really Oblivionspoils itself in the first five minutes and this review turned into more of a recap.
I don’t think good movies tend to start with five minutes of exposition explaining the setup and back story and what the main character’s job is and who that lady in his bed is and oh let’s not forget “the mandatory memory wipe five years ago.” For fuck’s sake. So now I know you’re not who you think you are.
Apparently aliens invade Earth because they’re greedy. To kick things off they blow up the moon which makes everything on the planet go haywire. After that, the aliens dropped troops and fucked shit up. Then the aliens got fought off but left the planet in ruins. The Humans built a thing called The Tet and are going to use it to travel to Titan (the moon by Saturn). Before that though, they want to harvest all of Earth’s water because it’s theirs and they want it. Unfortunately, there are still aliens kicking around the planet like… say, a resistance. Weird, they totally lost the war, why won’t they just go home? Tom Cruise works as a repair man charged with keeping the water things online. And the Scavs (left over scavenger aliens still fighting for some strange reason… If only he still had his memory).
Note: This all happened in voice over. The movie hasn’t really started yet. Just lots of sweeping imagery of really pretty devastation and oddly alien looking structures…
We got Oblivionin the mail from Netflix and kept if for at least a month before watching it. Maybe that was the first sign. There was just something repelling us before we even opened the package.
Eventually, Tom Cruise shuts the fuck up and the movie starts. He hops in his plane and does his round to check the water things and make sure the drones are online and whatever. This movie already sucks.
Tom Cruise plays Jack and some redhead plays Victoria, a team. She mans the comms and stuff from their loft and he does the rounds in a futuristic plane, making sure the water things and drones are online.
Jack keeps having these dreams or this pretty brunette. I wonder if that has anything to do with his mandatory memory wipe. Oh well let’s ignore it for now. Down on the surface he repairs a drone with some gum and gumption.
[This was so hard to watch from the jump but it’s even harder to write about.]
The drone is in a football stadium and Jack takes this opportunity to tell an elaborate recap for a game that neither Victoria nor the audience wants to hear. The drone comes online and starts acting sketchy like it doesn’t recognize him or actually sees the Scavs behind him.
Onward he goes, fixing drones and staying out of the “radiation zones.” Jack follows a drone signal to this busted up library and finds a book he falls in love with and SURPRISE the drone is a trap. It’s just a trick under a tarp. There are Scavs watching him and trying to catch him. Hopefully they eat peoplealiens clones whatever he is.
He’s Tom Cruise so he gets away.
More flash backs. Jack goes to a secret hide away he has filled with Earth stuff like books and a record player. Oooo, why’s he so obsessed with stuff? Why can’t he just follow the rules and be content like Victoria?
The Scavs send a signal and it ends up being a message off planet. Something falls out of the sky. HQ tells Jack not to check it out but he does. It’s pod filled it sleeping astronauts. Oh snap, on is the chick from his dreams. A drone comes along and scans the bodies and starts shooting. Jack is all, “WTF, they’re humans!” So he stands in front of the drone to protect the lady from and shouts his name and it shrugs as best as a drone can and goes back to making rounds.
He brings her home and his wife is not pleased. The lady is like, “They must have woken you and Victoria up first.”
NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE IS SURPRISING.
Astronaut (I think her name is Julia) wants her flight recorder. Obvi the right thing for Jack to do is go AWOL and take her. Scavs come and bob them and drag them off.
Back at the Scav base, which seems to be the stadium, Morgan Freeman sits across from Tom Cruise and says a ton of cryptic shit that doesn’t matter. He turns on the lights to reveal ZOMigawd they’re all HUMANZ! Eventually, after a bit of snarling and posturing, the humans let Jack and What’s-Her-Face go. In parting, Morgan Freeman is like, “If you want the truth, check out the radiation zone”
HQ wants Julia…. Some shit happens and Victoria gets Jealous and gets HQ to try to kill Jack and her (clever). Victoria dies and Jack gets away with the girl. They run around a lot. Sometime in all this Jack shows Julia his lair and Julia reveals she’s his wife and she’s been asleep for 63 years.
The drones are sent to kill Jack and he runs away and eventually goes into the “Radiation Zone” and discovers it’s just the territory covered by THE OTHER JACK CLONE. The Jacks fight and Julia gets shot and I feel no surprise.
So much sigh.
He takes the other Jack’s plane to the other Jack’s house and kisses the other Jack’s Victoria. He steals a first aid kit and takes it to Julia and then takes Julia to Morgan Freeman’s rebels.
They use drone parts to make a bomb that only Jack can make because he’s the repair man that the drone know and love. Then, because he’s a wanted felon, the drones descend on the base and kill most of the people and break the bomb.
Jack decided he should deliver the bomb himself and Julia is like yay! we can die together and I’m like yay! they’ll be dead and it’ll be over. So they box up Julia and he flies to HQ because, “You wanted me to bring you the survivor.”
On the way there he decided to listen to the flight recorder. Um, that’s a vital piece of human history you’re taking on a kamikaze run. That could come in handy when rebuilding and explaining to the Jacks and Victorias what happened.
He gets in there and there’s a bunch of incubating Jacks and Victorias and the HQ lady is still acting like there’s nothing weird about that. but when he says he’s excited to meet her she says he’s lying. “I just want my people and Julia to survive.” Oh now poignant and cryptic and totally not a lie.
Die already, please!
So HQ isn’t suspicious at all and the drones hanging around don’t feel they should even gear up. they just hover while Tom cruise open up the body case and “This isn’t the survivor you were supposed to bring us (it’s Morgan Freeman because he was mortally wounded and wanted to take part in the kill).” He says something corny and blows up The Tet.
They tricked her into going into the body box and then shipped her to the lair.
Three Years Later… Julia is at the lair with a little girl that apparently they had time to conceive. Some of the people from the Morgan Freeman team and the Jack that (semi)original Jack beat up and stole from arrive at Julia’s door and she’s geeked because she has “him” back…. Um isn’t half the planet’s current population Jack and Victoria clones? Any Jack will do since they all seem to be drawn to her? Is she like a Queen Bee now?
Apparently Jack has been searching for her ever since he shot her because love at first sight and nostalgia and reasons…
God Oblivionwas an awful movie.
[wpspoiler name=”First Impressions vs. Reviews” ]First Impressions are based on demos while Reviews are based on entire games.[/wpspoiler] MARS: War Logs is set in the war-torn, waterless future of Mars. Surprise, you colonized Mars and its supply of one gallon of water didn’t last to sustain a whole planet full of people.
According to the Purple Prose introduction narrated by the most pathetic grunt in the Water War, there’s a war on and there are Water Gangs fighting for control and—I don’t think there’s a society anymore. I think this is like post-apocalyptic anarchy on a colonized planet. Deep.
Well, our grunt is in a truck with other folks heading to elsewhere. Apparently he’s been captured and is a POW (prisoner of war) being shipped off to the enemy camp.
(Keep in mind, all this is being told through Purple Prose and cinematics. Try as you might, you don’t get to play in the train, in the loading bay, in the gen pop area… No playing for you.)
Finally this sad little lad with the emotionless reading voice telling me of all the horrors of war arrives at the enemy base. Yay, I get to play! PSYCH!
The kid’s introduction to the POW is a foul-mouthed gang of other POWs who wish to make passionate love to his butthole. The portly gang leader is Fatso. Literally, his name is Fatso.
Our idealistic little runt fearing for his rear-virginity? His name is *Le Sigh* Innocence. Yes, his name is Innocence. Take a minute to eye-roll and regroup.
So Innocence is all, “But I don’t want to be but-raped.” And Fatso is all like, “But I’m a villain and this is prison and you’re new so… Dibs!”
(You still not playing the game yet.)
So then this dude comes up and stands at the edge of the argument with his arms folded and I’m like, “YES! Finally I get to play, I’m gonna brawl this Fatso!”
Dude stands there with his arms folded and his eyes narrowed. And Fatso is like, “Whadda you want?”
Dude stands there with his arms folded and his eyes narrowed. And Fatso is like, “This doesn’t concern you.”
Dude stands there with his arms folded and his eyes narrowed. And Fatso is like, “The Boy is Mine.”
Dude stands there with his arms folded and his eyes narrowed. And Fatso is like, “You’re Crazy!”
Dude stands there with his arms folded and his eyes narrowed. And Fatso is like, “Let’s get out of here guys, this guy’s crazy.”
Dude stands there with his arms folded and his eyes narrowed. And Fatso is like, “This isn’t over.” WHAT THE FUCK!? (Pause for head shaking and or eye rolling.)
Okay, so whatever, you finally get to play now. Now that nothing is happening, you get to play.
And by play I mean you talk to Innocence and decide if you want to be a hard ass or a nice guy (your reputation matters). Apparently Innocence is just an introduction and Roy is our main character. He’s like, “I’m Roy.” And Innocence is like, “Ohmigawd, ROY? The Roy?”
Roy’s like, “Yeah, The Roy.”
So by now it’s very clear that the writing is not good and the voice acting ranges from cringe-inducing to pretty good. However, since I only started actually playing the game a minute ago, I powered on.
Uh oh, Fatso and his gang are waiting for Roy and Innocence in the courtyard ready to pin down Little Buddy and slip it in the back. (There’s a lot of swearing and Fatso is really keen on rape).
Tutorial fight time! I like tutorial fight time. I get to play the game and beat up bullies. X to hit. RT to distract them. A to break their defenses.
Cool got it. Let’s punch more people!
Nope. Time to sit and chat with Innocence. Go hither and fro. Chat with dudes.
Okay, this is an RPG so you’re not going to just side-scroll style fight through the world until you hit a boss. Roy is running around (with Innocence in tow) exploring the base with a surprising level of freedom for a POW.
They fight a few other prisoners and a beast and meet the mutants. The story and the game really start to take off. The dialogue stays horrible but the story is fascinating. In this war-torn world, there are people called Technomancers who control electricity, underground monsters called Moles that make it really hard to dig for water, and possibly mysterious ruins from the colonists who first settled on Mars.
Microsoft Windows, Xbox Live Arcade, PlayStation Network
April 26, 2013 XBLA
July 26, 2013 PSN
August 13, 2013
Mars: War Logs Pros:
1. The story is interesting a possibly unique. With all the hokey dialogue and waiting around, the story is what kept me around.
2. Innocence fights with you instead of acting as another obstacle to keep track of. He doesn’t finish any off on his own but he’s definitely more partner than package.
3. The game world is large and the menus are extensive creating a deep and interesting experience for just $9.99. Mars: War Logs Cons:
1. Holy shit the dialogue is bad. It’s outright laughable at some points and not helped by the fact that a lot of the voice acting is sub-par.
2. Can I say the fact that it’s not a book is a con? I truly like the story but didn’t feel like I was a necessary part of it. Maybe that’s because it was a demo so it was just a teaser of what’s to come. I just didn’t feel moved so much as curious.
3. The demo felt long. If a game is truly engaging it should steal hours of your time and have you looking around in surprise because you didn’t realize how immersed you were. Mars: War logs felt like it was taking too long. I wasn’t pushing forward but trudging. I found myself annoyed when I accidentally retraced y steps because UGH I just want something interesting to happen. Overall, what I think of Mars: War Logs:
During a time where games aren’t launching and tax season may or may not leave you broke, Mars: War Logs is definitely something to look into. It seems like it will provide hours of entertainment with an interesting story.
I realize I’ve mocked it relentlessly but that’s because the game does manage to stumble into a writing trap where things are described too beautifully or characters aren’t dimensional enough. Paired with the voice acting, that would be fine for reading aloud in class, it gets a bit laughable. The silliness though, doesn’t detract from what is a pretty solid game with decent graphics and a large, interactive world. There are side missions, craftable weapons, upgrade trees and a lot more. For $9.99!
Try the demo and see if you can live with the writing and reading.