I recently got kittened. My new pets spent the last two months turning my life and my house upside down. They’re wonderful little weirdos, and I love them more than I love most people. Which is why I will go out of my way to save my pets in the event of an apocalypse, while leaving you to die in the dust.
The problem is that this choice doesn’t really go along with my reputation of ‘super-together, hard-hearted practical survivor’, so I’ve been wracking my brain to think of at least semi-logical reasons for this choice. To, you know, justify it to the people who think they’re better survivalists than me because they’ve genuinely shut down all their ‘give-a-shit’ parts, even though that just makes them a dangerous sociopath.
So here are my totally-logical-not-based-on-loving-the-tiny-squeebles-enough-to-explode reasons to keep your pets post-apocalypse.
Oh, and I’m going to put pictures of my cats in this post. You have been warned.
Continue reading “Should I take my pets?”
Video games and the apocalypse go hand in hand. Player One is always that one guy with shit to do and an appointment on Tuesday trying to make his (or her) way through this mess and help all these people out—how’d they survive before Player One came along?
But, we keep coming back to these needy people in their dangerous world because of some romanticism that we can hack it, fix it, or beat it into submission.
Of all the video game apocalypses, which is the worst; which is the best? Is it the overwhelming zombies of Resident Evil, the galactic invasions of Mass Effect, the aggressive extermination in Halo, or some other hellish scenario?
If given the choice, I’d find this Unicorn Apocalypse from the Samsung Mobile commercials and be there. I don’t know all the details of Unicorn Apocalypse I just know those are two things I need to see in one place in order to die happy.
Some of my favorite and most feared video game apocalypses
So, I watch a lot of post-apocalyptic and dystopian TV. I read a lot of fiction. I thoroughly enjoy doing these things.
The problem is with consuming such a huge amount of one thing is your brain starts to go to strange places, thinking strange things.
This leads to me questioning all sorts of things that are probably supposed to be ignored.
But the main thing that is bugging me at the moment?
How in the hell are these women so fucking hairless?
I mean, I know that smooth legs and underarms are the current beauty standard (though that has not always been the case). And I know that actresses have to stick to these standards even more than the rest of us.
But this is the post-apocalypse. They’re scarred, covered in mud and blood and wearing filthy, tattered clothes. How come, when they can’t seem to wash their face, do they have enough hot water, soap and razors to shave their legs? Is this really a priority in the post-apocalypse? ‘Oh, I know I’ve got to run from the aliens, just let me wax first.’
Oh, I know. Suspension of disbelief, blah blah blah. I mean, if I can accept that they’re all so pretty and well fed, surely I can expect the preternaturally smooth legs and underarms.
But I can’t. And you know why? Because I am the owner of a female body. I know how fast my leg hair grows, and I know what I look like when I’ve been unbothered for just a week. It utterly stumps me that they are unafraid to let us see their heroines bloodied and ugly crying, but they can’t show ‘em with a tuft of underarm hair.
What do they think? That the viewers, after watching all the death, murder and torment, will draw the line at some hair where hair naturally grows?
We’re all grown ups. We understand that hair grows. And it breaks the illusion (for me) to have these women with their limbs as smooth as dolls.
Tell you one thing. I am not shaving in the post-apocalypse. And if it bothers anyone, if people are genuinely so concerned with my body hair that they’ll forget we’re three meals away from starving to death, they can suffer and die alone in the wastes. Because their priorities are FUCKED.
Art imitates life or Life imitates art depending on how you choose to live. No living person has been able to explore the depths of apocalyptic life the way television has– and we could learn a few lessons.
From the human on human violence of 28 Days Later to the choices made in The Walking Dead, we could learn a thing or two about some of the choices we might have to make in a post-apocalyptic world.
The first thing I thought of when I saw Ambient Studios announce Death Inc. a PC (and MAC) game coming out this summer was that is reminds me of Black & White (Lionhead Studios).
No, I do not think it looks like a knock off. I think it embodies the same brilliance and unique balance that makes the player not the hero or the villain but the story itself.
Black & White, a game that is anything but, is one of my favorite but out of date games. In Black & White you play as a minor god with the goal or working your way up to being a major god wither through fear or adoration from the people below you. It was amazing.
As the main character in Death Inc. you’re charged with spreading a plague through medieval England. Yes! I’m in already.
The images posted remind me of a cross between A Kingdom for Keflings and Double Fine would put out. Both are things I love and would be happy to have more of.
Continue reading “What if you worked at Death Inc. and it was your job to start the apocalypse?”
I saw an episode of Doomsday Preppers the other day where the family didn’t believe in weapons. One of the guys says, “If bandits come I’ll invite them in and either poison them or cut their throats in their sleep.”
HUWAT!? Yes. I like you. Also, I’ve found the perfect game for you. Zombie I Scream by Thefty Jack LLC.
No, Zombie I Scream isn’t about grinding zombies up and turning them into ice cream. It’s about a non-violent solution to a violent problem.
Much like the colonists gave smallpox blankets to the Native Americans the player in Zombie I Scream will give unsuspecting zombies ice cream cones specially designed to end their lives. FUN!
It actually looks really cute and it’s rare that someone finds a new approach to a fairly straight forward genre on a limited interface.
Zombie I Scream (like many of the original colonists) is set in Boston and features many of the city’s famous locations as levels.
Continue reading “Zombie I Scream (iOS)”
Hawken: Genesis (Archaia)answers the question “What’s my motivation?” for payers of Hawken the game.
Hawken by Adhesive Games and Meteor Entertainment is part Total Recall, in that it’s set in a ruined dystopian planet; part my desperate hopes for what Pacific Rim will be, a ridiculous mecha battle royal; and part Gundam where everyone is fighting for or against a team but no one is really right.
But then Hawken: Genesis adds in a heaping helping of Top Gun.
It sounds like chaos on the surface but it’s actually a brilliant premise.
Everyone fled Earth for a brighter future on Illal but their hopes overwhelmed the new planet, destroying it faster than they destroyed Earth. Unfortunately for the poor planet, devastation isn’t enough and they’ve found one more resource to pry from the corps of their new home.
Already in the midst of an inter-corporation world war the citizens now have reason to stay and fight too. Not for honor or freedom but for their own slice of the pie. That is why they came after all.
From the jump, “the Hawken” is mentioned in a laundry list of terrible things that shouldn’t have happened, terrible things that ruined a once optimistic planet. I’m not clear what it is though… But I am curious.
I’m always drawn to a good premise, a well thought out backstory make most things that much more wonderful for me. And when I read the Hawken: Genesis issues put out by Archaia Black Label for the franchise, I was blown away.
Continue reading “Review: Hawken: Genesis (Archaia)”
I didn’t have much hope when I downloaded Zombie Dash by Italy Games. It’s hard to find a good app game that isn’t just like some other app game. There’s only so much you can do on a touch screen and with the short attention span mobile games require.
Fortunately, I was pleasantly surprised with the high-speed, side-scroller.
Continue reading “Zombie Dash (Android)”
One of the many frivolous things I wonder about when I’m wondering about post-apocalyptic life is hygiene. I’ve gone on at length about my lady parts, their mechanics, and how I plan to keep them baby free and satisfied. But recently I’ve been thinking about cleanliness.
Well, recently is a lie. I think about cleanliness daily and lady-specific cleanliness almost every time I see women surviving the end of the world alongside men. The Monthly Mess is one thing and The Daily Funk is another.
“The daily what now?” you may wonder. The running and sweating and wearing the same clothes day in and day out and not having toilet paper all add up to The Daily Funk.
Continue reading “What's the first thing you wash in the shower?”