Last week I was
putzing around Target shopping for clothes for my kids. I took a detour through the books and magazines because this is what I do every shopping trip. I don’t normally find anything–local stores never carry the magazines I want to read (Discover, Astronomy, that sort of thing) and I’m a digital reader (I love my Kindle) so I don’t get many paperbacks.
But THIS time, I struck gold. And because I’m always thinking about the apocalypse in some form or another (usually because I’m looking for possible topics to write about), my brain somehow found this one magazine, even though it was sitting in the back of the stacks.
It’s called 2012 End of the World.
I kid you not.
I’m still trying to find ways to show you guys pictures without getting a copyright violation suit slapped on me and ICoS, so you’ll have to wait a bit for screenshots. I was thinking of doing an end-times collage (using images from this and other magazines)…would that be a copyright violation? It would be a piece of art (and I use the term “art” loosely).
Anyway. I’m going to give you an overview of the magazine. And, you know, review it. Because I read this shit so you don’t have to.
WARNING: HERE BE SNARKERY. AND LENGTH.
Let there be religion
With a title like “2012 End of the World,” I thought this magazine would be more focused on the Mayan prophecies and the like. But it’s NOT.
Holy chalupa, the religious slant of this thing would tilt the Tower of Pisa if it wasn’t already leaning.
For example: A rather large chunk of the magazine is devoted to Biblical or religious-themed prophecies. There’s an entire article that essentially covers the Book of Revelation (you know, the mark of the beast, 666, the whore of Babylon, the Antichrist, blah blah blah). Another article talks about prophecies from the Gospels.
Yes, from the Gospels. As in, prophesied by the Great One Himself, Jesus. You know these prophecies already: Jesus will return (to judge the living and the dead–oh wait, that’s from the Apostles’ Creed), no one knows when He’ll return, the dead will be resurrected, yada yada.
And then there’s an article about what Catholic saints foretold. Catholic SAINTS, you guys. Because the Bible isn’t enough, apparently.
But just in case the non-Christians are getting a little uncomfortable about the Christian/Bible focus, there’s an article about the Quran’s end-times prophecies. Which are actually similar to the Bible’s end-times prophecies. (I didn’t know this as I’ve not read the Quran, though I’d like to.) The Quran prophesies that there will be a Last Judgement when Allah will rise and judge the living and the dead (oh wait–uh, nope, that didn’t come from the Apostles’ Creed). There will be a false messiah, a savior, earthquakes, trumpets, etc.
Pretty similar to what’s in Revelation, isn’t it? (My discovery of this parallel was actually the best moment of reading this thing.)
How will the world end? Let me count the ways
So now that I’ve unleashed all my Sunday School
nightmares memories (“RECITE THIS VERSE, CHILD! AGAIN!”), let’s move on.
Batmobile different 2012 prophecies! Because obviously, a magazine called 2012 End of the World will talk about how the world will end…in 2012.
Most of the prophecies are ones we’ve seen before. Something about the Mayan calendar, pole reversal and galactic alignment, Planet X/Nibiru, an asteroid. You know, the usual.
Though honestly, I have no idea what the hell galactic alignment’s supposed to do to make us all die. I’d be more concerned about the supersized black hole in the Milky Way’s center.
But, you know, Age of Aquarius and all that.
And THEN there’s Time Wave Zero. What the hell is Time Wave Zero? you may ask.
I have no fucking clue. All I know is it’s related to the Chinese I Ching.
Weather forecasts that don’t come from weather balloons
Wacky weather is apparently a sign of the coming apocalypse. Though this shit really is wacky. Here’s a glimpse:
- raining spiders (eep)
- raining worms (gross)
- raining blood (this was apparently a confirmed phenomenon. Maybe some dude got murdered on a leaky plane?)
- raining golf balls (ow)
- raining money (why can’t it do that where I live?)
- raining poo (let me repeat that: RAINING POO. I have no words)
The Ancient Egyptians believed that beer saved the world from destruction
I always did like the Ancient Egyptians. (Good reason to stock up on beer, yes?)
2012 is a popular year for end-times prophecies
Religious people (and Nostradamus) have predicted stuff that have actually come true
Way to go, Nostradamus. Though can anyone REALLY understand the guy’s quatrains? They’re so annoyingly ambiguous.
Harold Camping has not predicted stuff that has come true
But we knew that already. After all, the world has ended twice in the last year. Oh wait–no, it didn’t.
The best forms of apocalypse entertainment are those that are religious in some (possibly tangential) way
And honest to Godiva, it is just so wrong to put a major Christian/religious slant in a blurb about Robert J. Sawyer’s Flashforward. Okay, so yeah, there’s a wealthy Christian financier in the book (AT THE END), and he funds the immortality project. But really? When I read the book, I was not thinking about how awesomely religious it was.
Okay, so I wasn’t thinking about religion at all. I was thinking about what a great book it was. But maybe that’s just me.
The ICoS survival group could kick their survival group’s ass
If our group ran into this group into the nuclear wasteland Earth will become (possibly on December 22, 2012), we’d be kicking ass and taking names. Because this is who they suggest you have in your survival group:
- A Rambo-type: because he can do ANYTHING. (Okay, so, yeah, having a Les Stroud in the group might come in handy, but the guy’s so used to looking out for himself, what makes you think he’d be a good team player?)
- A storyteller: to entertain you during those long, lonely, dreary days and nights. (What? WHAT? You and your group are scrambling to survive, and you want to use up valuable resources on someone whose only talent is telling stories by the campfire? REALLY?)
- A gardener: to grow food. (Okay, so one of these guys would be helpful. Assuming the world’s still able to grow crops and all.)
- A spiritual advisor: to mediate disputes, and to put himself last and make decisions for the good of the group. (I’d like to think there’ll be people in the post-apocalypse who will be capable of saving the many instead of the one. And seriously? If I’m finding people for my survival group, I would most definitely not be looking for a spiritual advisor. I’d be looking for the guy who can help KEEP ME ALIVE. You know, by finding supplies and killing bad guys. Saving my soul will not help keep me alive.)
- A homeopath: to act as a healer. (Yeah, this guy’s important. We’ve talked about this before.)
- An Amish dude: to act as a consultant for life without modern conveniences. (Wow. Seriously?)
- An insomniac: to work longer hours than the rest of the group. (What?! You want to give the sleep-deprived one nighttime guard duty and extra chores? Sure, okay. And when the insomniac goes nuts from being completely sleep deprived, you will be the first to die.)
While I don’t think we’ve ever truly specified who we’d want in our group, we’ve told you who you’ll probably meet in the post apocalypse and who you really should avoid. We’ve also talked about people who could possibly get you killed.
And unless that storyteller is also a handyman ex-soldier, he/she just might get me killed. I’m just saying.
So there you have it. A magazine about the world ending in 2012.
I found some EPIC apocalypse-related books in the Kindle Owners’ Lending Library. Why yes, Virgina, I WILL be reading them. And then I will write about them.