So, when the power goes out and the liquor has run down, someone might get horny.
This brings me back to that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine’s favorite contraceptive is discontinued and she goes out and buys as much of it as she can. But then she rations it. She judges men more carefully and while she might like a guy, she also has to determine if they’re truly “sponge worthy.”
We must remember to invest in some of our baser needs to stave off maddness. But we can’t just start doing every Tom, Dick, and Harry who offers a leer because it’s good for our state of minds. That’s how you create Super Aids, Syphilmidia, and Babies. We need to be able to indulge and ration.
Solution: Invest in an Emergency Sex Kit.
I’m still a bit unclear of what needs to go into an Emergency Sex Kit, but I have a few ideas.
You know what exists currently? Stealth Vibes. What’s a stealth vibe? It’s a camo beer coozie and vibrator holder IN ONE. Seriously[1. It might actually come with the vibrator…].
Not only will you be saving your beer’s coldness you’ll also be hiding you soon to be in high demand bullet vibrator.
Also a plus, a bullet vibrator won’t need a lot of batteries.
In the vein of being environmentally conscious and renewable, you might also look into a solar powered vibrator. Yup, those exist too.
But what about men who are out in the wild, working their hands down callous covered mitts? Um, Petroleum Jelly[2. sorry not really my area of expertise].
The kit should definitely have:
1. Condoms in case you want to do it with a buddy.
2. The Morning After Pill in case the condoms run out or you get whimsical.
3. Multiple sex toys. (small enough to not wast space)
4. Visual stimuli. Maybe a romance novel, or sexy short story. Maybe just pictures of men with stubble and steely glares or women picking things up while wearing short skirts.
5. Hand sanitizer. You want to be the asshole who dies rotting genitalia because you failed to wash before wanking?
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