I realised that I am too unfit to survive in a post-apocalyptic world. Surviving the apocalypse itself is down to luck, but surviving the world afterwards? I get out of breath walking up stairs. That’s not going to help me run from rabid, scientifically-enhanced badgers.
It was this realisation more than any other that pushed me to get a personal trainer. Health and beauty are side-effects of my desire to survive in the zombie-infested/radiation-bleached/badger-ravaged wasteland that is in my future.
This led to some interesting discussions with my personal trainer. I tried to lie, I really did, but it’s simply not in my nature. I started by saying I wanted to fit into my favourite skirt again but eventually broke down and told him.
‘And of course, if zombies rise from the grave, or science decides to give badgers opposable thumbs and a never-dying rage- I want to be able to run away.’
His face got that slightly glazed, panicked expression that always appears on polite, professional people when they think they’re in the presence of a dangerous lunatic. But I didn’t stop myself there, oh no.
‘In fact’ I continued ‘You may find it helpful to tell me zombies are coming when I’m on the treadmill.’
‘If you could make a sort of… moaning noise, that would be great.’
To his credit, he still took me on as a client.
My clear and utter insanity aside, this does actually tie in to being prepared. It doesn’t matter how intricate and flawless your plans are if you are let down by your simplest tool; your body. You need to be able to run and jump and lift and bend and if you can’t you are dead. That simple. There will be no-one to pick up your slack, even if you have gathered together a ragtag band of survivors. You can only truly rely on yourself.
So step one, for all of you is to improve your fitness. I’m not talking about some stupid fad diet or ridiculous exercise routine, or looking like a catwalk model or bodybuilder-just build your stamina and strength until you are reasonably sure you can run away from dangerous things (after all, who knows what you’ll need to face? There might be badgers.) and then keep it there. There is no time like the present- the sooner you start, the better off you’ll be before our inevitable doom.
Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen before I can get my arse down the gym.
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